RadishBlog.com: FAKE and Balanced

Bills Trade Down, Want Tebow and Roethlisberger

2010-04-22T16:53:00.005-04:00

April 22, 2010

BUFFALO -- In a surprising Draft Day move, the Buffalo Bills have traded the rights to the 9th overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft and Trent Edwards to the Pittsburgh Steelers for the rights to the 18th overall pick and Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger has come under heavy scrutiny by his organization in recent weeks because, as Steelers' president Art Rooney II put it bluntly, "Having a star quarterback sleeping around with women in the two to three hundo range is simply bad for business."

Buffalo head coach Chan Gailey analyzed the situation as follows: "We are bringing a big guy, big arm into a small market with big women. That could be trouble but I like the upside." Gailey was clearly referencing Buffalo's large population of obese divorcees and its aptly named mascot.

But the real kicker comes with what the Bills intend to do with the 18th pick. Buddy Nix believes that the Almighty will present him with Tim Tebow, whom he can then use as a mentor for Big Ben both on and off the field. "Have you seen the kid's thighs? That should put the fear of God in anyone." If that doesn't work? "I feel that we have the livestock to help sustain Ben's growth should it come down to that, if you catch my drift."

Apple Reveals the iPad

2010-01-27T14:37:00.012-05:00

January 27, 2010

San Francisco, CA -- As is always the case, Steve Jobs and Apple have outdone themselves. Apple recently unveiled its iPad to applause from consumers and angst from competitors.

When asked about the thin, multitasking iPad, Bill Gates responded, "I am not concerned with Apple's attempt to branch into other markets. We fortunately do not compete in the feminine hygiene industry, and will remain viable despite this innovation."

Procter & Gamble CEO Bob MacDonald has come under fire for his lack of foresight in lieu of the company's 1997 acquisition of Tambrands and, inherently, Tampax Tampons.

"Of course I am concerned. Who would have ever foreseen that Apple would enter the market with a multi-tasking tampon. People are going to be wearing the iPad every day of the month now because of its electronic capabilities and easy storage for long trips."

The business plan moving forward?

"We have maintained a high market share for years without very little need for innovation, so we are going to look into other markets. There exists a prototype in R&D that could help us explore the incontinence mitigation markets. The incontinence thong will compete with Depends."

The tagline?

"Senior butt sexy."

Conficker Source Found in Ecuador!

2009-03-31T22:40:00.007-04:00

April 1, 2009

CONFU*KED

QUITO, Ecuador -- After Microsoft posted a $250,000 bounty for the person who could discover the origin of the Conficker worm, scientist Jans Lehhvolm set out to find this mythical creature that has never been physically witnessed. Now, he claims to have it.

"When I first read about Conficker," he explained, "I thought of the common tapeworm. You see, tapeworms are usually found in third world countries where food is scarce. They latch onto their host's digestive tracts for nourishment. Since Conficker latches onto hosts for financial feeding, I naturally turned to Wall Street."

Unfortunately for Lehhvolm, stool samples from John Thain's $1.8M toilet turned up a deadend.

But here in the hyper-diverse tropical Yasuni rainforest, an Ecuadorian portion of the Amazon, Lehhvolm claims to have found the Conficker while holding onto an obese, grub-like creature. Although tests haven't confirmed the finding, all signs point to it being a hoax.

Editor's Update: When Jans was told that the Conficker wasn't actually a worm but a computer virus, Lehhvolm was far from discouraged: "I have some good friends in the pharmaceutical/bio-tech industries that will be very interested in taking up the pursuit." He then proceeded to jump in terror, stating, "What the fu** was that in my hand then!"

T.J. Simers Obsessed with Boston Sports

2009-03-16T19:57:00.008-04:00

March 16, 2009

T.J. SIMERS OBSESSED WITH BOSTON SPORTS

Los Angeles -- The often cynical sportswriter T.J. Simers has been suffering for years from what many knowledgeable sports fans call, "growing up chubby," insinuating that his cynicism is derived from being picked last in kickball. Now he is simply suffering from lack of readership.

In order to combat this downward trend, Simers decided to borrow a tactic from the City of Champions' most beloved--sarcasm--sportswriter Dan Shaugnessy: antagonize your readers to get more readership. Simers attempts this transformation in his recent article, Boston Obsessed with Manny.

In the article, Simers uses stereotypes in not-so-subtly implying that Bostonians are self-infatuated, obsessive compulsive morons with funny accents; also, that they have no lives. But the man fails on one major account: credibility. He is a hypocrite in every aspect of the word: borrowing from a Boston sportswriter, to garner Boston readership. Did he accidentally prove that Boston is the best sports city in the world? After all, he had to get readers from somewhere outside the land of athletic indifference.

"Noooo," Simers says. "It's just that I hate them so much that I have to write about them every day."

So who is obsessed with who again?

Editor's Note: The caption in the picture was translated by RadishBlog expert translator Hai Min from LuangDong province. He says that this lady said the following: "I sreep wiv chubby white man cuz he have smarr penis and gimme green card." How do you like stereotypes now Simers? Shaugnessy also enlightened us on the tactic used by Simers. He says that, "the stereotypes are all Manny stereotypes: funny accent, moronic, etc. He just flipped those around, and it worked on the Bostonians. I do it all the time."

TARP Assets Don't Include Overflowing Septics

2009-02-10T18:28:00.005-05:00

February 10, 2008

SEPTIC TANKS, NOT "TOXIC"

GARDINER, NY -- Ralph Drapner, 63, just finished a line off of his 1983 Dodge Ram's rusty hood. Instead of shielding the habit from view, Ralph simply says, "that's just life out here, and I know life."

What he doesn't know is that the Toxic Asset Recovery Program [TARP], as created by George W. Bush and continued by Barack Obama, does not extend to his overflowing septic tank.

"Times is tough," he says, sniffling out of an itch, not sadness, "I done can't git my tank sucked up in this economy. No person wants to by my wares, so I got no money. I just figured that my septic was toxic since it overflowed, and it needed recovery like that colored fella explained on the tele."

For now, Mr. Drapner will have to continue on in ignorance as Wall Street continues to reap the benefits of government intervention despite coming to the table with unclean hands--this is apparently a legal concept studied in a law school contracts course that John Thain.

"Economees in tha shitter, my shitters in the shitter. Shit."

Editor's Update: A 75-page letter was sent from the Obama Administration directly to Mr. Drapner in the name of "effective efficiency." It read, paraphrasing, "Your septic is toxic but not toxic as defined in section 7531(b)(7)(D) of TARP. Therefore, you will not receive 'stimulus.' You should however be receiving a fine from the EPA. Thank you."

In order to help Mr. Drapner pay his fine, and fix his septic, The Radish Blog would like to advertise that Ralph's wares are adversely possessed goods of the farming kind.

George W. Bush "Sorry" Now That Housing Crunch Hits Home

2009-01-19T19:31:00.002-05:00

January 19, 2008

MORTGAGE CRISIS HITS BUSH

WACO – "I never thought it could happen to me."

From the cigar room of his west Texas ranch, President George W. Bush reflected on the state of the mortgage crisis.

“It’s lingering longer, and extendering further than anyone anticipated,” he said. “I feel for the American people because I'ma right there with'em.”

That is right, even the President’s mortgage seems to have been too much to handle in these tough economic times.

“Some guys in moving vans came to my house, and told me that I had to leave immediately. No warning or nothing.”

So what went wrong?

“I told 'em the American taxpayers were taking care of my digs,” he explained, a tear rolling down his cheek, “But I guess they bit off more than they could chew with the White House.”

Editor’s Note: When President Bush later saw that Obama was moving into the same White House that had just been “foreclosed,” Bush wondered if the new President had gotten a good deal at auction with what was left from his nearly $1B war chest or if Obama bailed himself out of the mortgage mess.

RAD Weekend Links (12/19-21/2008)

2008-12-19T10:17:00.001-05:00

December 19, 2008

RAD Weekend Links (12/19-21/2008)

INTERNET -- 5 news stories; 5 insights; 1 educational video on the mortgage crisis.

Woman's Vagina Screams, "Help!" (Yahoo!)

Michelle Duggar of Arkansas has had her 18th baby. You read that right, 18th. The now 42 year-old had her first baby at age 22, so this isn't one of those backyard middle school games of doctor gone horribly wrong. Rather, this is a calculated attempt at one of two things: 1) they are trying to start their own major league baseball franchise; or 2) these are descendants of the Hatfields, ready to take aim with another shot at the McCoys. Given the names the father and the children have, I'd go with number 2: Jim Bob, Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Jospeh, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jeddidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johanna, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace. Does anyone see an alliterative scheme here?

Canada Pledges $13.69 to Auto-Bailout, Eh (WSJ)

As the United States plans to give $17 Billion to a bunch of guys that used their corporate jets to give unprepared, ill-argued speeches at Capitol Hill, Canada is joining suit. Okay, so they aren't going to give Newfy's (Newfoundland) gross domestic product of $13.69 derived from no one wants to know, but instead $3.29 billion. This money will be going to two of the big three. Dear President Bush and guy who runs shop in Canada, there are a bunch of debt-soaked kids graduating from college and they are unemployed. Why not help them? They didn't cause this mess.

Andrew Jackson is Hot News? (CNN)

CNN has decided to run a piece on a book about Andrew Jackson by Jon Meacham. This man's presidency should be well documented for its overseeing a rise in populism and the currency issues pervading the times. Rather, CNN decided to talk to the author about his more detailed insights such as how Jackson believed in separation of church and state, and that his passion made him most like us--us being an articulate reference to society's contemporary collective conscience, which would be qualified by an equally articulate description of passionate. Wow, remarkable...remarkably vague. I am sure this book is scintillating but I wouldn't recommend its content for dinner conversation.

Fortunately for Cheney, You Can't Actually Drive a Truck Through a Loophole (MSNBC)

MSNBC and FOXNews continue to battle it out for most biased coverage. While the current administration scurries to cover its buns over electronically backed up files, just as every predecessor since Reagan has done, MSNBC chooses to quote a lawyer for a historian's group of plaintiffs saying that Cheney could drive truckloads of document through a loophole. Last time I checked, a loophole was a concept not a thing, so technically she is wrong. On a second note, who wants to read about what Clinton really said to the NSC before screwing up Mogadishu and producing a decent military flick in Black Hawk Down? As Paul McCartney [Macca] and Axl Rose both said at one time or another, "Live and Let Die."

Bailout for Banks, Bonus for Bums (FOXNews)

$1.69 billion dollars went to executives of financial firms last year, in a time when those banks were losing mucho dinero. Having seen the Madoff scheme unfold, is there a difference? Madoff gave out generous bonuses in his last days as he saw the Feds a'coming. Why wouldn't it fit that Wall Street would give out crazy bonuses prior to the secret getting out that they no longer followed sound economic theory? Actually, it does. Now they have bailout money to maintain their high levels of compensation that they didn't actually earn.

MLBPA Also Straining During Recession

2008-12-16T20:25:00.004-05:00

December 16, 2008

THE NEW YORK YANKEES SYMPATHIZE OVER THE STRUGGLING ECONOMY

LAS VEGAS -- Coming off Major League Baseball's winter meetings, it is quite apparent that the players of the league will suffer mightily during these trying economic times.

The New York Yankees are living proof that baseball is far from recession-proof. The once dominant empire has had to settle for C.C. Sabathia, a serviceable pitcher from the National League, and A.J. Burnett, a broken down fire-baller from Toronto.

"It was a tough market out there," Hank Steinbrenner said of the lack of talent in this year's free agent class. "We settled on these guys, and bargained them down a little."

The price tag on these guys? Burnett cost $82.5, and Sabathia for $161...million.

"This isn't $82.5 million a year," Hank explained. "It is spread out thin over 5 years, so it is more like $16 million. Over 7 for C.C., so $23ish million a year. These guys are feeling the pinch as much as anyone, just on a different level.

"Look, this is a different world. We bring hope to people that only have baseball left. The price of a smile is justified."

Editor's Note: With Sabathia's contract, one could salvage the sub-prime market in all of New York--probably. With Burnett's, perhaps the student loan debt could come next.

Al Qaeda Suffering from Global Economic Meltdown

2008-12-15T22:37:00.005-05:00

December 15, 2008

FROM RICHARD REID TO MUNTADAR AL-ZAIDA

BAGHDAD -- Muntadar al-Zeidi is indicative of a new wave of terrorist. For years, he has worked undercover, assuming the role of reporter for Cairo-based Al-Baghdadia Television. After years of living a lie, he finally used his credentials to get into a press conference in Baghdad's Green Zone.

The conference was to be a day of solidarity between Nouri al-Maliki, the U.S. Secretary of Iraq, and George W. Bush. However, after Bush and his cabinet member were wrapping up a successfully vague speech, al-Zeidi struck. The shoe missed but it came ever so close to accomplishing for al-Qaeda was the U.S. military cannot--wound the leader of the resistance.

However, the plan revealed one positive for Bush--Al Qaeda is reeling just as badly as Wall Street during these economic times.

Al-Zeidi had this to say from custody, "I put in all of that time and effort and all that they gave me was a freakin' shoe? We can't afford shoe bombs any longer, just shoe."

Editor's Note: Attempted shoe bomber Richard Reid claimed that al-Zeidi didn't realize that it was in fact a shoe bomb, and should feel great shame for screwing up the operation. Reid then realized that he failed to detonate his own shoe before he was halted by a geriatric.

RAD Weekend Links (12/12-14/2008)

2008-12-12T10:11:00.004-05:00

December 12, 2008

RAD Weekend Links (12/12-14/2008)

INTERNET -- 5 links....5 laughs.

Bush a "Tryant" (CNN)

If your brother throws a shoe at the President of the United States, you pretend you don't know him. What you don't do is embrace the action, then call the most powerful man on earth a tyrant. If this guy wants a tyrant, let him have Saddam back. This guy would have been missing before he finished his sentiments if the Scud were still around.

The Catch 22 Bailout (WSJ)

Nancy Pelosi is ready to put pressure on Henry Paulson to use bailout funds in helping struggling homeowner's. The question arises: why help delinquent mortgagees? It would just be rewarding ignorance. How come this same question never cropped up when mulling over the $50B for AIG? Because it isn't ignorance when you willfully screw with peoples' money.

Tiger's Caddie goes Perez Hilton on Phil (ESPN)

When you become a millionaire for carrying another man's golf bag around, you become thankful for your good fortune. After all, you are making money doing menial labor, whereas auto workers are struggling just to get a piece of the bailout money. Ingrate Steve Williams, Tiger Woods' caddie, threw down the gauntlet with Phil Mickelson, saying "I wouldn't call Mickelson a great player, 'cause I hate the [expletive]." That is just classy, classy like a celebrity blog.

A Ponzi Scheme goes Down in Flames; a Million More Survive Unscathed (MSNBC)

We here at the Radish like to reiterate the fact that Wall Street is dominated by speculation in a quasi-Ponzi Scheme. Investments are not based on actual return but on what kind of a premium you can fool someone into paying for something that actually won't return anything on the investment unless it is likewise flipped under false pretenses. Watch Boiler Room, laugh, say it isn't that bad, and then realize it is much, much worse. Bernard Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, has scammed both rich and poor alike out of billions based on a flawed system he learned from the inside.

Fire Lit Under Palin's Ass (FOXNews)

Todd Palin, husband of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, through a molotov cocktail through their church's windows in order to light the fire to Palin's upcoming presidential bid. Okay, so that isn't known yet but it will come out soon enough. One churchgoer went so far as to say that the attack was uplifting? What? In a, "I'm going to collect crazy insurance on this building" kind of way? By the way, it was a 2-year-old building, so it wasn't that holy to begin with.

French Man Faces Difficult Decision: Lottery Winnings or Welfare?

2008-12-11T20:24:00.006-05:00

December 11, 2008

FRENCHMAN DONATES LOTTERY WINNINGS TO CHARITY

CLERMONT-FERRAND -- In the middle of France, there is a small city surrounded by extinct volcanoes. This city is Clermont-Ferrand and it is well known for a sub-par soccer team, a cathedral built entirely of volcanic rock, the home of Michelin Tires, and, most importantly, its philanthropic citizens...or not.

Jean-Claude Van Baum, 56, recently won £12,000,000 in the Euro Millions lottery, and gave the money to charity.

No, J.C. isn't independently wealthy, he just held reservations since the winnings could have jeopardized his welfare proceeds that he has been receiving regularly since 1973. It was in that year, at age 21, that Van Baum starred in his first pornographic film. Ever since, he has collected unemployment benefits from the government equal to 83% of that paycheck and he was weary of watching that windfall disappear.

A RadishBlog.com translator explained J.C.'s remarks concerning the move: "I spit on handouts like lotteries. The French struggle is chic and trendy unlike being rich Americans."

Editor's Note: The Gothic Cathedral of Notre-Dame is ironically made of purely black, volcanic rock, which is a stark contrast to the white often associated with the heavens. Perhaps this stands as a reminder for just where Clermont-Ferrand is: the armpit of France...the very unshaven armpit.

The Boogieman Has Been Shot

2008-12-10T20:18:00.009-05:00

December 10, 2008

THE BOOGIEMAN BRONX

THE BRONX -- Long known as the Boogie Down for its hip-hop roots, The Bronx will forever be remembered as the Boogie for a new reason.

For years, children have "cried wolf," leaving parents across the country miffed when there is nothing in the closet. Now, every child from age 5-12 can rest easy with the FBI arrest of the most prolific child molester of all time. That is right, the Boogieman has been caught.

It happened late last night when 7-year-old Lamar K. heard something rustling in his closet.

"I thought it be sum foo tryn'a get mine," he said, "so my finga and pops' gat stopped that foo in his trax."

When the FBI arrived on the scene, they were greeted by the first visual ever of the elusive child molester.

"We thought he was a shape shifter," Larry Leonard of the FBI's New York office said. "Turns out he is a balding, fat, immortal, 40-something terrorist."

The only people upset over the arrest are mental hospitals across the nation that will have to reassess thousands of patients in the coming days.

Editor's Note: The FBI's top 3 child molester list now reads as follows: 3) Santa Claus; 2) Easter Bunny; and 1) Tooth Fairy.

Old Spice and HGH

2008-12-09T20:46:00.002-05:00

December 9, 2008

THE NEW STEROIDS INVESTIGATION

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After the infamously ineffective steroid hearing on Capitol Hill that included Mark McGwire, Curt Schilling, Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Sammy Sosa, the big whigs in D.C. are ready to make amends.

"They are going to start investigating consumer products that may have masked components that are precursors to steroids, and that inherently promote steroid use," said former Senator George Mitchell. "This was a just one of the many concrete conclusions of the Mitchell report."

Speculation is that Old Spice deodorant is the target of the new investigation. With new ads containing large superstars such as LL Cool J and Brian Urlacher, many are suggesting that the brand is attempting to corner to masked steroid market the way that "Andro" did during the McGwire-Sosa homerun battle.

In one commercial, a home video depicts Urlacher as a formerly scrawny geek. Now he stands at a mere 6'4", 258 lbs.

At 40 years of age, LL Cool J is in the best shape of his life and ironically promoting the deodorant.

An anonymous Senator added, "He hasn't looked this good since his military days on the movie Toys. He is obviously doing something."

Editor's Note: A new study possibly suggests that it may just be physically possible to lose weight and look great when you have millions of dollars of free time. Additionally, The Mitchell Report was written much like this website--very little research, tons of imagination.

NASCAR Secedes from Union

2008-12-08T00:15:00.001-05:00

December 8, 2008

THE SOUTH RISES AGAIN

DAYTONA -- After a month of deliberations, NASCAR has made it official: NASCAR will secede from the United States of America.

NASCAR President Mike Helton reiterated, "This has nothing to do with the election of a black president. NASCAR simply believes in states' rights."

Despite Helton's efforts, speculation remains about the true intentions underlying the secession attempt. After all, NASCAR isn't a state.

Many suggest that this move is a form of retribution for NASCAR citizens that were distressed by NASCAR's $250,000 donation to Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH organization back in 2003. Back then, Peter Flaherty of the National Legal and Policy Center said that the money was "Shut Up" money so what would one call the current movement?

"Confederacy." Dale Earnhart Jr. answered. "What's more American than that? If you ain't secedin', you ain't tryin'."

Editor's Note: There are no black drivers in NASCAR's Nextel Cup; although they are "allowed" to race in the lower divisions. It is still unclear as to whether one needs a GED or not to get a job in NASCAR's front office. Bill Belichick, ironically of the New England Patriots, expained NASCAR's motto to be, "if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying."

RAD Weekend Links (12/5-7/2008)

2008-12-05T08:43:00.010-05:00

December 5, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 depressing links about life; 5 cynical captions.

The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling (CNN)

As jobs continue to disappear, Wall Street remains weary. The same people that brought you the concept of cutting jobs to increase cash flow are hypocritically bringing you the next big line of thought in banking, and they call it jumping off the bridge because everyone else is doing it. Investors no longer invest in companies that are profitable but those that appear profitable to others based on the infamous "wire." If there was a hollywood celebrity stock trade, it might be more stable than the NYSE.

Daschle Wants You to Get Drunk and Solve the Healthcare Situation (WSJ)

The presumed Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, says that healthcare reform is going to happen; however, like many of his predecessors, he has no idea what that means, see Bill/Hill Clinton. Does this mean taking on a Hawaii-like approach whereby all children are covered? Hawaii just ditched that program. Does this mean adopting Mitt Romney's "everyone must have health insurance or suffer severe tax penalties" plan? The socialist republic of Massachusetts is loving its quasi-universal healthcare cash cow more than its citizens. Fortunately, Daschle hasn't the faintest idea but believes that a nice glass of egg nog will help lead the way. Seriously.

Colombian Citizens Suffer the Wrath of the Ponzi Scheme (Washington Post)

David Murcia and his company DMG Holdings ran a pyramid scheme/money laundering business for investors, sometimes returning 300% in profit over the span of a few months. Pint-seized investors lost a combined $1B on false promises when the scheme failed at the point where most Ponzi Schemes eventually do, when they run out of gas...get it? No word on whether Murcia will receive bailout money to recoup the losses for taxpayers, almost 10% of whom were hurt in the devastation.

Ever Used Craigslist for a Babysitter? Don't! (MSNBC)

The days of the cute girl next door that your husband has a secret crush on have long past; rise the days of the old dude from Craigslist. Yes folks, that is right. People seek babysitters on Craigslist, and they get what they bargained for: a pornographic pedophile. Ever heard of seeking references on a person before hiring them to watch your 2-year-old daughter? This just in, Obama seeks change on Craigslist.

Don't Become an Officer of the Salvation Army (FOXNews)

If you are an officer of the Salvation Army, you may only marry another officer of the Salvation Army. When did the Salvation Army become some sort of evangelical bigamist? Wasn't the mission of the organization just to help those in need? Something deeper runs beneath the SA, and, by golly, it probably runs back to Billy Graham.

Joaquin Phoenix Calls It Quits

2008-12-04T14:36:00.006-05:00

December 4, 2008

JOAQUIN TO BECOME LATEST IN LINE OF "TRIPLE-THREATS"

LOS ANGELES -- Emperor Commodus has decided to leave the fate of Rome in the peoples' hands in order to search for his place amongst the great triple-threats of all-time; mythical legends such as Hercules, Odysseus, and Ashlee Simpson.

Actually, Joaquin isn't trading Rome for the open road but Hollywood for MoTown. Joaquin Phoenix's only real musical success to date is his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk The Line, for which Phoenix recorded his own vocals. Now Phoenix seeks success as he moves onto the next chapter in his life.

"I want critical acclaim because seeking public glory is far too trendy these days."

However, it is speculated that Phoenix is just saying these things to keep himself grounded in the wake of other acting stars that have failed in similar pursuits i.e. Keanu Reeves and Dogstar.

Ashlee Simpson, a self-proclaimed triple-threat, suggests that Joaquin will be fine even if he fails.

"Even if he lip syncs and the music is really bad, he will have his acting skills to fall back on. I mean, look at Keanu, he is still making money because he is such a good actor."

Editor's Note: Ashlee Simpson is not a triple-threat because A) she can't sing; B) she had a reality show i.e. not acting; and C) having children out of wedlock isn't really a talent. Keanu Reeves has actually played the same monotone bore in every movie he has made except for Babes in Toyland and the Bill & Ted's movies. Phoenix's triple threat: 1) acting; 2) singing; and 3) gladiating...is that even a word?

Obama for Change?

2008-12-03T00:13:00.008-05:00

December 3, 2008

HILLARY READY TO STAND AT THE URINAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to further prove that he is not just another Washington insider, Barack Obama has chosen Hillary Rodham Clinton as his Secretary of State. Wait, reverse that.

When asked about why Hillary was qualified for the position, Obama responded, "This wasn't a deal that was struck during the hotly contested primary process. Specifically, we did not discuss this matter in the days before Hillary's withdrawal from the race when it looked like Florida and Michigan votes might be reinstated, which could have cost me the primary."

What Obama meant to say is that Clinton's Senate Committee work--Committee on Budget, Committee on Armed Services, Committee on Environment and Public Works, Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, and the Special Committee on Aging--make her a specialist on geriatric veterans that recycle their newspapers and need health insurance; ergh, worthy diplomat.

Many democratic leaders suggest that Clinton's time as first lady give her unmatched qualities that will go a long way in conducting the president's foreign policy agenda. Frasier Laver of Kingsville, Texas thinks otherwise.

"My wife been on my ranch since we been married, but that don't mean she drive the tractor or pee standing up if ya catch my drift."

Editor's Note: The only Clinton crony missing from Obama's cabinet is George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic.

Plaxico Burress: A Victim of Black on Black Crime

2008-12-02T02:18:00.003-05:00

December 2, 2008

THE NFL AND BLACK ON BLACK CRIME

NEW YORK CITY -- Plaxico Burress suffered a gunshot wound while spending a night out at The Latin Club in Manhattan.

Burress, who is under a Goldman Sachs-like $35 million dollar contract with the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, is no stranger to disciplinary action by the NFL. Once, he was fined $45,000 for abusing a game official.

But this time, Burress' troubles are different, and indicative of a problem that runs deep throughout today's NFL: Black on Black crime.

Last November, Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins was killed during a botched home invasion. Darrent Williams of the Denver Broncos was killed in a drive-by just a few months later. Perhaps the most notorious of the shootings was the Pac Man Jones shootings outside the Minxx Gentleman's Club in Las Vegas where Jones "Made it Rain" on strippers with $81,000 in cash. When the strippers took the cash, outrageously thinking it was for them, an agitated Jones started an argument that led to the retaliatory shootings. All black on black crimes.

But the crimes are not limited to shootings. In 2000, Ray Lewis stabbed another black man, got away with the murder, and went on to win a Super Bowl the following season.

When the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, was questioned about the issue of black on black crime and his league, Goodell responded, "Crime? The imbecile shot himself in the leg. Color me bad, maybe, but certainly not black on black. That is how I interpret the rules."

Editor's Note: Goodell might be a racist. Lewis might be a murderer. Burress is an idiot. Pac Man obviously misunderstood the concept behind a strip club; otherwise, many a man would only take a single one dollar bill into the strip club since it would be reusable.

Indian Summer is "Racist"

2008-12-01T01:20:00.002-05:00

THE LONE WEATHERMAN AND TONTO

December 1, 2008

BOSTON -- The American Meteorological Society and the National Congress of American Indians are back at odds over recent weather patterns. However, as opposed to last time, the debate is over syntax rather than merits of the rain dance.

With the warm 2008 weather extending beach season and killing northeastern ski resorts, local meteorologists nationwide have turned to the phrase "Indian Summer."

"The last Indian Summer that our people saw was in 1619," said Chief Drinking Fish of the NCAI. "Ever since those Pilgrims arrived on Plymouth Rock, it has been whitey's summer in these parts."

Scooter Sifolis of the AMS suggested the term is empowering to the Native American population.

"Indian Summer refers to the period in late autumn when Indians raided European settlements. It recalls past glory for a people that have been relegated to the endangered species list."

As the legal process rages onward, the Indians have succeeded in garnering an injunction that prohibits the use of the term "Indian Summer" until a final judgment is reached. In the meantime, the AMS has sent out a memo promoting the use of "St. Martin's Summer," the British counterpart.

Editor's Note: Indian's are not an endangered species. They are, in fact, a race of human that dominate the Northeastern U.S. Casino industry.

Rad Weekend Links (11/28-30/2008)

2008-11-28T00:03:00.007-05:00

November 28, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 factual links with 5 fake-tual opinions.

Japan CEO Wrestles Globally (WSJ)

Oops, that meant to say that Japan wrestles with CEO pay. Japanese banks such as Mitsubishi UFJ Financial Group have a huge issue to face as they invest in worldwide institutions: they have to match the exorbitant price tags for CEOs such as Morgan Stanley's John Mack. Last year, MUFG paid a shade over $8 million in compensation to its highest 14 paid executives combined; whereas, J. Mack took home a little more than $41 million in the same time frame. So the company that is financially viable and investing in the struggling company must adjust to the struggling company's pay scale? Okay, analogy of the week: that is like suck. Here is a video clip of Radish favorite Hulk Hogan wrestling in Japan to cheer you up.

Terrorists need a Hobby (CNN)

If you haven't heard, some crazy dudes killed 125 people throughout Mumbai/Bombay during the last 24 hours because they don't have a hobby. Some people do heroin when they have no where else to turn. Some play Guitar Hero. Terrorists just kill people. Maybe these terrorists should start believing in Christianity so that Santa can bring them a hobby this Christmas. I am thinking more along the lines of Backgammon than drugs but whatever gets the job done.

WTF is a "Rogue" Wave? (MSNBC)

The adjective "rogue" refers to something that is no longer obedient. Was a wave ever obedient? It wasn't like 3 wave watchers were teaching waves how to sit like a rough coat terrier when one wave snapped, peed on the floor, and carried them out to sea. Last time that I checked, the ocean wasn't a controlled environment. The correct story should read, "Mother nature is a bit*h."

Bailout for Student Loan Debt (FOXNews)

Gotcha! The Troubled Asset Relief Program, aptly nicknamed TARP for its covering up of a problem rather than solving it, will do nothing for the common man. Now, TARP has a new program called the Systemically Significant Failing Institutions Program that will give more money to the same banks under the initial TARP phase. Same crap, different package if you think about it. Perhaps we should nickname the program Significantly Horrible Institutions Tarp, or SHIT for short.

Old Lady Died (MSNBC)

How does one live until they are 115? Some speculate that the keys to longevity are maintaining healthy weight and reducing stress. However, the truth is that one must be extremely selfish to live to such an extraordinary age. Not only did this lady see both of her sons die of old age but she refuses to give up the secret. Come on now, kids are dying of AIDS in Africa and all this hag had to offer for advice was, "More education." Seriously?

Obama: "No Child Left Ahead"

2008-11-27T05:08:00.000-05:00

November 27, 2008

NO CHILD LEFT AHEAD

CHICAGO -- To the dismay of the American Federation of Teachers, Barack Obama didn't discuss education much during the election.

"We were quite pleased with his references to increased teacher salaries but what about the children?" AFT president Randi Weingarten said. "It just sounds like the conservative notion of trickle-down education to me."

In reaction to the swift protest from the AFT, Barack Obama spoke candidly with reporters about a more detailed plan.

"For seven years we haven't left a child behind," he sermonized, "But far too many still have the advantages of getting ahead. It is time to bring all people together across all divides--smart and dumb. Never again will the mildly retarded sway alone on the swing set of destiny!"

The program that seeks to hold back the intelligent to make the "less bright" feel better about themselves completely nationalizes education reform, breaching every fiber of the Tenth Amendment. Yet, optimism still runs high.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg suggested that the Constitution is a "living document" and that, "[T]he Constitution meant something in 1776 that is irreconcilable in modern times--federalism is obviously a notion of the past."

Holly Bootman, a fourth-grader from Kingsport, Tennessee, had a different perspective.

"I need to be smarter than my peers," she cried. "I get made fun of all the time and my only defense against being called a 'nerd' is to say, 'at least I am not dumb.' Now I am just going to be the dim-witted geek without a defense."

For now, Bootman and others will simply have to antagonize obtuse classmates with as many intellectual barbs as possible while they still can.

Editor's Note: Tommy Tribodeau of Dellview, N.C. writes in to remind us that although Justice Roberts is the Chief of the Law Court, "Justice Ruth 'Master' Bader Ginsburg will get this program off, even if she has to do it herself."

Wall Street Struggles With Reality

2008-11-26T11:40:00.001-05:00

November 26, 2005

WALL STREET STRUGGLES WITH REALITY

NEW YORK -- World superpower Goldman Sachs has been cleared for $10 billion dollars worth of insurance for bonuses to help the entity stabilize its small nation's worth of assets. The windfall comes despite diluted earnings of $1.81 per share during the third quarter of 2008.

Goldman spokesperson Napoleon Stalinsky said that, "Although it appears to be a profit, it is actually a loss because we made $6.13 per share during this same time period last year."

The securities brokerage also has been reported to have more than $13 billion reserved through three quarters for the purpose of single-handedly saving the financial sector. "No, that money is for bonuses," Stalinsky later clarified.

How is this all possible?

"We lost $2.1 Billion in non-investment-grade credit origination activities and if it weren't for our franchise trading, we wouldn't have covered such a devastating loss."

Fortunately for Goldman Sachs' employees, cuts are on the way to further establish the black in the books. On the same day that the Government insured employee bonuses for giants such as Goldman and Merrill Lynch, Goldman announced a 10% cut in jobs at the company. This equates to just a hair over 3,000 employees.

"The move is a win-win for everyone," Stalinsky added. "Those cuts will come for many low-level employees, who will get up to 3-months in severance pay. Sure, it won't be anywhere near what their salary plus bonus would be but it will feel like an extended vacation. Furthermore, upper-level employees get the increase in bonuses that they desperately need to provide for their families."

Editor's note: Franchise trading refers to the trading that the company does for itself and not for its investors; kind of like a control group versus the experimental set.

Obama Win Equals Free Pass for Sox-Yankees

2008-11-25T18:37:00.000-05:00

November 25, 2008

OBAMA WIN EQUALS FREE PASS FOR SOX-YANKEES

BOSTON -- Boston Red Sox fan Lenny McInnis is irate with the fact that we reported this article as being from Boston when he is clearly from Dorchester. More importantly, he is disgusted with hearing all about peoples' opinions on his facebook.com newsfeed.

"Facebook is great kid but let's keep it real. I like checkin' out the ladies in their bikinis but it kills my chubby when that same broad is posting about how she wants to be 'Obama's Mama.' Get what I'm sayin' guy?"

Normally an ardent adversary of Lenny McInnis, Yankees fan Joey Juliano expressed similar sentiments.

"I love laughing at the dudes who post pictures online with their fake tans and bling, thinking they got it all," he said, before sending his blonde bombshell of a girlfriend to go grab his American Crew hair gel. "Sorry bro,' gotta maintain the blowout. Anyways, I just don't need to hear you complain about politics. There are more important things in life, like sports and looking good."

That is right folks, sports. In the northeast corridor, baseball reigns supreme and the sometimes obnoxious interplay between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans draws disdain from the rest of the nation--just read the comments section to an ESPN article for a quick example on all fronts.

But, with the election of Barack Obama, and the subsequent outpouring of emotion from both sides of the political spectrum, baseball fans from New York to Maine now have a free pass. After all, Katie Couric stated that last night was like a Super Bowl celebration.

"Now they get it!"

Editor's Note: McInnis noted that Barack Obama can't hit a homa' like Big Papi, and openly wondered if Obama was cousins with Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. Mr. Juliano said that he wants an investigation into Curt Schilling's bloody sock; further stating, "Screw steroids. The Giambino sucked after that." Katie Couric maintained that she is only pretending to be an awful news anchor, setting herself up for a feature film career.

Rev. Jesse Jackson, "Only Halfway There"

2008-11-24T10:00:00.001-05:00

November 24, 2005

REV. JESSE JACKSON, "ONLY HALFWAY THERE"

CHARLESTON, S.C. -- The Reverend Jesse Jackson, elated with Barack Obama's election, was quick to point out, "We, as a society, are only halfway there."

For a nation that struggled through school segregation, the MLK Jr. assassination, outrageously expensive Nike shoes, the rampant use of racial epithets in the pop-media, and the Terry Schiavo case, Rev. Jesse Jackson calls the delayed election of a black man to the presidency a "bittersweet victory."

The reverend readily reminds readers that the country could have done this over two decades ago. Those would be the days when Jackson himself made two consecutive bids for the most powerful position in the nation. In his 1984 campaign, he was considered a "fringe candidate," and lost the nomination due to the unfair delegate process.

"I had 21% of the popular vote, and won states like Virginia, Louisiana, South Carolina, and Mississippi; yet, I only had 8% of delegates. I mean, I won the most important state of all--The District of Columbia. That is where the President lives, what means more than that? If it weren't for that Hymietown bias, I might have been President."

Jackson renewed his bid in 1988 with greater success. He won 11 states, including the "state" of Washington, D.C. but the conspiracy against his candidacy endured.

"America had a chance to complete the transformation from racist to tolerant in the 1980's," Jackson reminisces, "But at least we are 50% of the way there now, Obama is half-black."

Editor's Note: Jackson referred to New York City as Hymietown because of all the conspiring jews that cost him the election.

Rad Weekend Links (11/21-23/2008)

2008-11-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

November 21, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 News Stories, 5 Sad Truths--One awesome Elmo video.

Citigroup to Receive $20B More in Aid (CNN)

Okay, so Citi continues to lose money--perhaps it is a good idea for Bush to stop giving the homeless man more money when he keeps spending it on a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps. He is never going to take the money to a Chipotle Mexican Grill and get himself some digestion inducing burritos. How about we give the money to some struggling homeowners who aren't broke or some struggling graduates with exorbitant loans? Those people could go ahead and pay off a portion of those distressed assets or at least get a nice stock of liquor for the cold season.

Deodorant Kills British 12-year-old (FoxNews)

As heart disease, cancer, and gang-related drive-bys continue to take lives, a new culprit arrives on the scene: human perspiration. It looks like your fear of sweating in front of the cool girl could lead to your demise, so stick to a stick of deodorant and not the spray can.

Where are the Hot Holiday Toys? (MSNBC)

Sure the economic downturn is going to make this a coal-sock Christmas, ruining the illusion of Santa for many, but don't forget that toy companies have sucked of late. Without Tickle-Me Elmo or Furby, the toy market is down. First of all, maybe it is good that people won't spend like crazy this Christmas--there will be less Dudley Dursley's in the world. On the other hand, you have to be kidding. Toy companies couldn't come up with a battery induced, gay stuffed animal to knock your socks off this year? How about G-Money, the rapping polar bear?

19-year-old College Student Found Dead in Frat House (Chicago Tribune)

Ever heard of the Illinois Institute of Technology? Well, now you have because a student died from inhaling carbon dioxide from a canister. Whatever that means. One friend said that they expected his classmate to do epic things with his life. Um, no offense but you guys are at IIT, which could be confused for ITT based on status and abbreviation.

Americans Drive Less, Cause Crisis (WSJ)

Heaven forbid that the American populace would take control of its own financial destiny, and environmental future for that matter, and start using public transportation more. Now all kinds of lobbying interests are upset: 1) OPEC wants us to drive more and consume their oil; 2) Car companies want us to buy SUVs because they cost a bundle; 3) The government wants us to justify their expansions of $300M bridges to nowhere; and 4) Beezlebub is worried that declining greed will hurt his steady population growth in hell.

Bush Announces Troop Withdrawal

2008-11-20T03:54:00.000-05:00

November 20, 2008

BUSH ANNOUNCES TROOP WITHDRAWAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After offering his awesome congratulations for President-Elect Barack Obama, George W. Bush announced that he plans to withdraw troops from Iraq starting tomorrow.

"Although the Republican Party lost this election, I still hold that our crusade through the gardens of Babylon have been part of a successful campaign."

This is a sign that Bush is becoming more contemplative as he prepares the U-Haul for a move back to Waco, the site of both his ranch and Jesus' resurrection in 1993. However, Iraqi officials are desperately lobbying for the United States' military forces to remain in occupation.

Abdul Qadir stated, "Iraq cannot fully support its internal security until 2012 nor protect its borders until 2018. We need the Americans to stay. We want them to stay."

General James N. Mattis, Joint Forces Commander in Iraq, said, "Abby just hasn't received the memo yet. He doesn't need to pretend that Iraq needs us any more."

When asked about how such sensitive material wasn't immediately communicated to the Iraqi Defense Minister, Mattis speculated, "Maybe the mailman went postal?"

Bush concluded by saying that, "I made my father proud, I made God proud, but I'm not about to let someone leech off of my biggest idea. Obama can start a war of his own...he'll need it come time for re-election."

What will Bush look to do with all of his free time?

"Maybe I'll look into making a documentary about global cooling. I hear there is a lot of money in the environment."

Editor's Note: Bush added that there is still some debate as to whether or not David Koresh of the Branch Dividian Church was in fact Jesus resurrected. An envious Bush said, "I'm hoping to prove that I still have a chance."

Hulk Hogan is a "Real" American

2008-11-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

November 19, 2008

HULK HOGAN IS A "REAL" AMERICAN

TAMPA -- Terrance Gene Bollea A.K.A. Hulk Hogan is devastated by what he is hearing from passersby in the streets. No, not that he is a pedophile for dating a woman that bears a striking resemblance to his daughter. No, not that he is an evil man for the mishandling of his son's detention for reckless driving. Rather, Bollea is sick of hearing people say, "I am finally proud to be an American."

"Listen brother, when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, ya gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide--" Bollea then added, "--behind the blame game."

Just how does it make him feel that people used George W. Bush as scapegoat? Well, Hulk is particularly concerned about the mistreatment of troops and his own personal dignity.

"Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride."

Fortunately, Hogan is no stranger to the arduous task of recovering from defeat. In a match at The Survivor Series on Thanksgiving night of 1989, Hogan's neck was snapped by Zeus, the god of sky and thunder. So, what does the Hulk do when he is really down and out?

"I gotta be a man," he said, "I can't let it slide."

This new Hogan should not to be confused with previous reincarnations such as Hollywood Hulk. He is more reflective and passive in his approach to life. But what exactly does it mean to be a proud American?

"I am a real American," he said. "Fight for the rights of every man!"

And, that is how we should remember the Hulkster, as his only masked role in wrestling entertainment: Mr. America.

Editor's Note: Controversy remains over whether or not the Zeus who snapped Hogan's neck was the real king of gods. First of all, Hogan's Zeus is black, and Classics Professor Arn Brennan maintains that all Greek gods were "as white as Jesus." Perhaps more compelling is that fact Hogan's nemesis bore a striking resemblance to Debo from the box office blockbuster Friday. On a side note, there is absolutely no question about whether Hogan's neck was actually snapped as Bollea could not have performed such a convincing acting job on his own.

Obama's Mob Cabinet

2008-11-18T00:56:00.002-05:00

November 18, 2008

OBAMA LEGITIMIZES CRIME FAMILY

FOXNEWS.COM -- FoxNews is reporting that Obama will recycle Clinton's cronies when appointing cabinet members. One list of possibilities for Secretary of the Treasury includes 1) Timothy Geithner, president of Federal Reserve Bank of New York; 2) Paul Volcker, Chairman of the Former Federal Reserve; and 3) Lawrence Summers, former treasury secretary and one-time Harvard University president. (See Possible Appointments)

Missing from this list is current Maine Governor John Baldacci. Infamously known for his botched takeover of Vatican-owned Immobiliare, Baldacci moved to politics in order to "legitimize the family."

The former four-term Congressman now strikes headlines from his gubernatorial seat. Baldacci made a sale of the state liquor license in 2003, which sold two-thirds of the state monopoly to a Wall Street firm: Lindsay, Goldberg & Bessemer. The other third went to Massachusetts based Martignetti as represented by Larry Benoit, Baldacci's former chief of staff. (The idea was spearheaded by Severin Belliveau, lobbyist for LGB.)

More recently in March of 2005, Baldacci apparently sold the state's powerball proceeds--an estimated $400 million over a period of ten years--for a $250 million lump sum. The sum conveniently covered his annual deficit going into the 2006 election cycle.

His track record lends little encouragement for Americans living in fear of financial crisis and his own words enhance this concern.

When asked what his motto would be if given the reigns to America's economic policy, Baldacci said, "I call it selling the house to pay for the credit card."

Editor's Note: Maine owes its debt to programs such as the infamous "give every seventh grader in the state a laptop that their trailer trash dad will use to surf the internet for adult material." Former governor Angus King's brain child only cost a penance compared to his bank account, worth more than Maine's GDP--Baldacci renewed the Apple contract in mid-2006 for $41 million, mere weeks before Apple's release of the Intel-based computers. The Radish compares this to buying a Commodore 64 at full price the day before Nintendo came out. (If you don't get the Godfather references, well, RadishBlog.com feels bad for you.)

Cash Cabin Fever

2008-11-17T18:59:00.001-05:00

November 17, 2008

CASH CABIN FEVER

NEW YORK CITY -- Ken Jennings, most well-known for being Jeopardy's all-time greatest champion, may have a new claim to fame. The Radish recently found out that the slew of victories on Discovery Channel's Cash Cab is no fluke.

Jennings made his first splash on Cash Cab back in May of 2006 when he "stumbled" upon the cab on New York City's Fifth Avenue near Central Park.

"I had no idea that 1G12 was the Cash Cab's number," Ken said.

Ken made $2700 dollars on his first appearance, which was a far cry from the $34,090.54 dollars that Jennings averaged over 74 episodes on Jeopardy. Disgruntled over the pay cut, Jennings prayed for another chance in cab 1G12. His wish came true.

"I swear, no idea."

Unfortunately for Ken, host Ben Bailey wouldn't allow it at as a matter of LionTV policy. Jennings became enraged and started stalking Bailey in disguise, winning an additional $7,200 before being caught. The giveaway, "When he answered in the form of a question."

The subsequent restraining order Bailey placed on Jennings wasn't enough. With the aid of an ear piece and unassuming tourists, Jennings amassed another $126,850 over 43 episodes. But the jig is up.

Asked why he needed the money, Jennings answered, "What is my fix, Alex."

Editor's Note: Further investigation revealed that Jennings had actually lost all of his trivia game-show winnings in the underground Thai game-show industry when he took on too much house credit. He would have tripled his earnings had he not refused to answer a MTV Real World question about fellow mormon Julie Stoffer whom Jennings refers to as that "unrepentant pin-up."

Rad Weekend Links (11/14-16/2008)

2008-11-14T12:25:00.001-05:00

November 14, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 true headlines; 5 strangely true captions.

Going for Broke Against the Ku Klux Klan (CNN)

A young Kentucky boy was beaten at a country fair for being different--a fair, mind you, that allowed KKK members to operate a recruiting booth. What does this boy face as he tries to bankrupt the Klan? Just an all-white jury and defendants with names like: Imperial Wizard Ron Edwards, Ohio's Grand Titan, Joshua Cowles the Exalted Cyclops, and Andrew W. Watkins the Imperial Gothi. This might as well be a lawsuit against Voldemort, Hercules, the X-Men and Marilyn Manson. Can you say that Kentucky is bass ackwards?

Paulson Starts to Recall Econ 101, Backs off Bailout Expansion (Reuters)

Although he still wants to purchase more stakes in banks, Paulson is retreating from the idea that retailers such as Circuit City will soon rejoice in the bailout green. Say what you want about Wal-Mart but at least they are embracing the concept of globalization: specialization (outsourcing of manufacturing, kind of) leads to lower overheads, leads to lower prices at home, which leads to profitability. Whereas, companies such as Nike have practices that inspire song lyrics like these by Flight of the Conchords:

They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers

But what's the real cost, 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper

Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when you got little kid slaves making them

What are your overheads?

Red Sox Lose World Series, Win USAToday Ranking (USA Today)

After a study based on personnel, scouting, facilities, marketing, financial outlook, and bandwagoning, the Boston Red Sox have been hailed by USA Today as the #1 franchise in Major League Baseball. This is further proof that nepotism sucks, see Hank Steinbrenner. In other baseball news, Manny Ramirez won't settle for less than Obama campaign-type money.

AIG is all that is Wrong with the Financial Sector (CNN)

The problem with the bailout is that it changes the bottom line but not the underlying problem. There is a fundamental flaw on Wall Street, a credo that maintaining a steady profit, and self-sustaining business, isn't enough. Rather, these self-proclaimed geniuses believe that capitalism means hoarding as much as you can while you can without regard to normal market mechanisms. The bailouts are insulating this mindset from free-market repercussions as evidenced by AIG taking a getaway to a "posh Arizona resort" to help "raise" money. Congratulate Rep. Elijah Wood of Maryland for speaking out against this ridiculous charade. If you need to raise money, why not stay right in New York where all the money is going?

Laxatives in Baked Goods, Dance Team Members Suspended (ABQ Journal)

Three Chapin High School seniors gave "laxative-based brownies" to rival dance team members from Andress High School. Allegations further maintain that bleach and rat poison were also in the brownies. This is hysterically awful, calling for an "I'm not even mad moment." If I were Dulcolax, I would be jumping all over this for advertising purposes. However, it is just a matter of time before the parents blame the Cars.com commercial below. Tina Fey is probably thinking of ripping off the concept for a Mean Girls spin-off where she can star as the role that she really wants, the hot girl who gets all the attention...not gonna happen Fey.

Sarah Palin's Three Strike Abortion Reform

2008-11-13T00:18:00.004-05:00

November 13, 2008

THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT BABY, LITERALLY

ANCHORAGE -- It is no secret that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin spent most of the latter days of the election solidifying the Republican base for her own presidential bid in 2012. This drew anger from McCain aides that claimed that Palin was like a "rogue missile" or "like that annoying girl in college that you dealt with because she was so good at sucking down energy drinks and finishing your math homework."

Others, who wished to remain anonymous, thought aloud, "I wish I had thought of stumping for Palin for Prez '12 instead of politicking for an '08 presidency that I had already won. I should have thought about re-election when I first saw her."

However, Palin did reveal that she understands that, as Governor of Alaska, she still has obligations to her state. Objective number one: Abortion reform--adopt California's three strike rule but for abortions.

The plan works like this: Every female is given three get-out-of-jail-free cards, otherwise known as strikes. Instead of jail though, it is pregnancy, which Palin explained "[Pregnancy] is not jail at all but a beautiful process where you get to eat a lot while the other 17-year-olds in your class are struggling with bulimia."

On the fourth abortion, you would have to keep the baby, and give it up for adoption because you can't properly care for the baby when you have to spend the next ten years of your life behind bars.

When asked about the details of her plans, Palin commented that, "The kinks haven't been worked out but then again if it were kinked, the water wouldn't be coming out of the hose. What a hoot!"

Palin then refused to answer a question about her origins when asked, "How the hell did you get a Minnesotan accent?

Editor's Note: A forensic expert later explained that Palin's genealogy must contain some Canadians, some western Great Lakes regional folk, and most likely a needy chipmunk to produce that accent.

The Expanded Stimulus Plan

2008-11-12T11:37:00.000-05:00

November 12, 2008

WALL STREET HAS AN ANSWER

(SE)CRETe -- So what do Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley, J. P. Morgan, and Lehman Brothers all have in common? No, they aren't all related by some incestuous genealogy--actually, maybe. Rather, at the government's behest, they have sent top brass to an undisclosed meeting place in the Mediterranean to hash things out.

Why the Mediterranean?

"We are here to talk about real solutions to a financial crisis," said John J. Mack, CEO of Morgan Stanley, "and, all you care about is the $21.6 million price tag on our weekend getaway."

Regardless, Wall Street may have come up with a money making scheme that immediately injects palpable assets into retirement accounts as opposed to little digits into end of the year reports: Get engaged.

J. J. Mack, explained that it was really quite simple.

"When you get engaged, you have a party," he grinned, "and, we find that average american couples receive $5-10,000 on average."

Then what?

"Move in together within 3 to 6 months," he added, "House warmings bring you more money, and some of life's necessities such as furniture and dinnerware. Oh, then get married within the year. The cumulative effect of these measures should give you the economic stimulus required to survive into 2010."

And what if marriage isn't an option? We can't all have a bah mitzvah, which raises more questions about the stimulus plan.

"You probably shouldn't get a divorce because that will cost you most of your earnings," "The" Donald Trump added.

And, Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves mentioned that, "Too much stimulating could result in illegitimate children, which could hurt your package."

In the end, it just isn't Always Sunny in Philadelphia--because the bailout money went to New York City!

Editor's Note: When questioned about how the bailout could help, Edward M. Liddy of AIG said, "Get your own money, beggar." Every rising hedge fund owner in the world added that this kind of plan could blow up in smoke like putting all of your money into oil futures without a hedge.

American Man Sues Rome Over Legend

2008-11-11T00:04:00.018-05:00

November 11, 2008

THE TREVI LIE

ROME -- An American man that was recently diagnosed with terminal brain cancer has made his last wish: to sue the city of Rome over false advertising. Legend has it that one who throws a coin into the waters of the Trevi Fountain will be guaranteed safe return to Rome later in life, a story that has grown in stature since Giuseppe Pannini's 1762 renovation.

Edward Bennigan, 83, threw his coin into the Roman fountain during a World War II deployment to Italy at 19 years of age.

"I was afraid of dying in the crossfire," he said, "so I threw in a coin. Stupid country of Rome never held up their bargain."

Now that he has been given less than 6 months to live, with treatment, Bennigan is taking the legal offensive. He first approached the Make-a-Wish Foundation but was rejected when they found out he was too old.

Elijah Finklestein, Bennigan's current lawyer, explained the multi-count suit, "The crux of our argument is is that Rome fraudulently induces tourists by unilaterally offering safe return to Rome for the placement of money in the fountain."

Roman lawyer's were on strike but A.S. Roma soccer star Francesco Totti was available for comment. "Mi pagherà per volo per Roma."

The Radish was unable to get a translation of this quote but intuition suggests that Totti actually said, "My package for only for Rome."

Editor's Note: Exacerbating tension is the fact that Rome takes the thousands of Euros a day and supports the unemployed--98.4% of the city's population--with the proceeds. Furthermore, this action has turned into a worldwide class action as many people have had issues with the city's many legends i.e. one man filed suit for not having his hand bitten off in the Bocca della Verita (Mouth of Truth) after telling a lie with his hand in said contraption. Lastly, Rome is no longer a nation but a city within the country of Italy, sorry Mr. Bennigan.

Gore to Disprove Ice Age Theory

2008-11-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

November 10, 2008

THE END OF THE ICE AGE

NASHVILLE -- In an effort to gain the upper hand in the global warming debate, Al Gore has set out to prove that the Ice Age never existed. Currently, leading hypotheses state that increased CO2 output from volcanoes and heightened ocean temperatures from underwater volcanoes caused the end of the Ice Ages--the most recent being the end of the Pleistocene approximately 10,000 years ago.

"If I can show that the Ice Age never existed, then the earth's natural climate variations are no longer a viable argument," Gore explained, "That leaves human activity as the culprit for 10-20° increases in average global temperature per year."

When confronted with actual statistics showing a 1.01 to 1.65 °F increase for the entire century ending 2005, Gore explained, "Whether we argue the numbers in Farenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin, the facts remain the same. Besides, Farenheit is a human construct that alone raised temperatures over 32° per centigrade."

So while experts criticize Gore for exaggerating facts, Gore has shifted the field of play in his favor.

"I am sick of people capitalizing on major political issues," Gore vehemently complained. "Films such as Ice Age and Happy Feet are corrupting our children, and making millions of dollars at the same time. To argue fact based on fiction is simply incredulous."

Editor's Note: Other studies actually show that greenhouse gases such as CO2 increase as a result of an rising global temperatures. So is it the chicken or the egg? Documentarian Michael Moore has already purchased the right to edit Gore's newest study, and prove that it was in fact the chicken.

Rad Weekend Links (11/7-9/2008)

2008-11-07T22:24:00.015-05:00

November 7, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 true news stories; 5 not so true captions.

1) 8-year-old accused of killing father, another man (CNN)

An 8-year-old boy shoots father and another man with an AK-47. The lead detective already has a theory on the case despite not interviewing witnesses or investigating the crime scene. "From what I can tell, the boy was mad that his father was cheating on him with another man. I would be." The detective is a graduate of Phoenix University's School of Criminal Justice.

2) Gun Enthusiasts Stock Up on Firearms Over Fears of Dem Crackdown (FoxNews)

10-year-old concerned that Santa won't bring a gun for Christmas because Democrats hate the NRA. Father consoles boy by saying, "Don't worry, black people like Obama love guns too." 3) Stocks finish up after two days of heavy selling (MSNBC)

It was a good day at NYSE Greyhound Park, a dog betting track in downtown Manhattan. 4) Melissa Ethridge is Not Spreading the Wealth (IDLYITW)

Section 8 passes in California, banning same-sex marriage. Etheridge proceeds to play the field and keep money for herself. "That was a close one," she explained. "Tammy Lynn was about to get me without a pre-nuptial agreement." Oh, and she refuses to pay taxes.

5) Billups gives Nuggets stability, Iverson offers fire for Pistons (ESPN)

For fear of rising crime rates in Denver, NBA star Allen Iverson gets trade to the sanctuary of Detroit. "I am just glad to be in a city where there is no violence or practice."

Yes [comma] We Can

2008-11-06T11:24:00.006-05:00

November 6, 2008

YES [COMMA] WE CAN

NEW HAVEN, C.T. -- Professor Emeritus of English Clarence Anderton is outraged with the election of Barack Obama.

"Young people need to understand that voting doesn't make you an adult; education and information make you an adult."

Dr. Anderton believes that there haven't been enough questions about Barack Obama's poor grammar. In one of many campaign slogans used for Obama '08, democrats cheered, "Yes we can!" The problem that Dr. Anderton has is the fact that they wrote the phrase without a comma after the "Yes."

"The responsive 'yes' is to a hypothetical question and is therefore an introductory phrase," Anderton explained. "Not only does it require separation due to its introductory nature but it is also nonessential and redundant as the 'we can' more than suffices as a positive response."

NAACP spokesperson Jamaal Randall-Jones Randall responded in a press release, "Mr. Anderton is an elite, white educator purporting his beliefs in racial stratification unto the public. It is an outrage that Mr. Anderton would stoop so low, it is borderline racist."

Editor's Note: Clarence Anderton is an African-American or, depending on what the proper nomenclature of the day seems to be, black. He also appears to enjoy being called Doctor despite having no surgical credentials. In regards to the comma theory, President Bush said, "Could have fooled me."

Reconciling the Bailout

2008-11-05T14:51:00.002-05:00

November 5, 2008

RECONCILING THE BAILOUT

NEW YORK -- Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson assured the general populace that Wall Street would not be allowed to accept taxpayer money and maintain bonus levels of years gone-by; further adding, "Taxpayers will see a return on their money while simultaneously seeing Wall Street becoming more fiscally responsible." Then came the first $250 billion plan, and skepticism resurfaced.

"I know what people are thinking, but this is the only way to stabilize the financial sector," Paulson explained when confronted at a news conference on this historic morning.

One reporter asked whether Paulson could explain how falling stock prices could impact still profitable brokerages so deeply. He did.

"You see, financial institutions invest in one and other because they know that if everyone keeps giving money to each other, then stock prices inflate, and stock holdings inherently increase in value. Profits becomes smaller as a stock hits a ceiling, so someone loses out but this is usually a small investor with delayed information so it doesn't impact the economy all that much."

But, at its most basic levels, stock represents ownership in a company. Therefore, stock price indicates the profitability of a company. If a person invests $10 on a share of a company, proper pricing would suggest that the shareholder would cover their investment within 20 years based on annual dividends; a modest 5% annual coupon return.

On the contrary, companies like Goldman Sachs, despite posting $1.62 earnings per share in the third quarter of a downward spiraling year, continue to offer shareholders a 1.47% annual dividend. Such a dividend is approximately worth $1.40. Where does all of the excess profit go?

CEO Lloyd Blankfein explained that this is not the whole story of stock valuation. "People make money off of the discrepancy in stock prices. When stocks are too low, people pounce on the opportunity to profit."

When asked how his stock could possibly suffer a 53% drop if the company is still technically making money, Blankfein responded, "That is where speculation comes in. You have to speculate as to whether or not Goldman can cover your investment over the long-haul."

According to their numbers, they can. "Right, I mean to say, will we cover? It is ultimately up to us whether we pay a proper dividend or not. Besides, I don't get paid to deal with these details. Servicers are taking care of it."

Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, had another spin on things.

"Look, when stocks fall, money is lost. These companies need capital to make the money back. When they do so, the American taxpayer will receive their interest."

Accordingly, George W. Bush has announced that he will adamantly pursue privatization of the social security system based on the aforementioned logic that a brokerage that "lost" money for people can conservatively invest and make all of the money back with basic, short-term loans.

Editor's note: Paulson, a former Goldman Sachs CEO, added that trading stock of major companies is not to be confused with a Ponzi scheme. Blankfein, a recipient of nearly $70 million in bonus money last year, explained that trading stock is not like gambling because it is based on concrete numbers; although he does believe that the New York Stock Exchange could benefit from adding a Quinella, Exacta, and Trifecta option to their services. Servicer: a company that pays you the stock price that you want when you sell your stock, then finagles the bagel in convincing someone else that it is worth their money to pay more for a declining stock.

Michelle Obama to Paint "Black" House

2008-11-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

November 4, 2008

THE BLACK HOUSE

CHICAGO--Michelle Obama once stated that her "[E]xperiences at Princeton have made me far more aware of my 'Blackness' than ever before," and that she would never fully assimilate into white, upper-class society because she was treated as "Black first and a student second." Apparently, this perspective endured the more than twenty years that have elapsed since she published her senior thesis at Princeton University.

When asked about whether she would burn her thesis since the day has seemingly arrived, she simply responded, "Never. I will never forget my roots as a poor black person. My father struggled as an engineer to make $40,000 a year to make sure that my stay-at-home mother could put family meals on the dining table. No, that thesis is like a footprint of wisdom on society."

The Radish then shamelessly prodded the soon-to-be First Lady about genocidal action towards white people. Mrs. Obama coyly replied by saying that wouldn't be enough restitution for the black race. What would be enough?

Well, upon entering office after being elected to run the country, she has vowed to paint the White House completely black. "Why should we refer to it as a White House? Why not a Black House?" She said.

This was an obvious allusion to John Wiley Price who, during a Texas County Commissioners' meeting, took offense to another commissioner's use of the term "black hole" in reference to the county collections offices' questionable accounting. Mr. Price aptly alerted his colleague that the use of racist phrases such as "black hole" were not to be tolerated in civilized society; neither was "devil's food cake."

Nonetheless, Michelle Obama is finally "proud to be an American" but she remains vigilant as there is always work to be done.

"I could have painted the White House the color of the rainbow but that wouldn't have gotten the message through. People would just think that I was supporting the gay rights movement or something. The fact that people would even assume that was the case is simply intolerant."

Of course, she is not oblivious to the fact that this move will alienate the political right.

"I know that some people aren't ready for this but those people are racists who believe every stereotype that they read."

Barack Obama could not be reached for comment as Michelle Obama quickly stood up and told this young, blonde, female reporter to mind her own "bid'ness" and that her man was 100% dark chocolate.

Isn't change sweet like white chocolate?

Editor's note: $40,000 a year in the late 1970's is worth barely over $100,000 a year in modern terms.

It's Called Affirmative Action Homey

2008-11-03T12:11:00.000-05:00

November 3, 2008

IT'S CALLED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HOMEY

FRESNO--Donald Garwacki A.K.A. Donnie Whacko is fed up with the reverse discrimination he is seeing during these trying times. After applying to nearly twenty different sections across the country, Mr. Garwacki cannot get into the gangs at the top of his list.

"Ever since I bought 'The Chronic' by Dr. Dre in 7th grade, I've wanted to drop it like it's hot with my home-brethren," Garwacki explained. "Forget white gangs, I can't even ride a motorcycle."

The problem is that gangs such as The Latin Kings, The Crips, and The Hells Angels recruit with strict racial guidelines despite the fact that the Supreme Court held in Regents of Univ. of California v. Bakke (1978) that a medical school cannot deny a qualified applicant based solely on race.

When asked for comment, Justice Scalia said, "These gangs basically spit in the face of our very being but, as they are not state-run institutions like a state university, my hands are textually tied."

Gangs such as the Asian Boys, the first gang that Garwacki approached, commented that, "[Race] wasn't the only criteria we considered yo. The dude ain't got street cred, no tats, no gats, and he bowed to everyone like we was the Wu-Tang clan or sumthin' homes. Ignorant f***."

Recalling the incident, Garwacki said that he was extremely "embarrassed" by the entire episode and realizes that his 3-week Kung-Fu course was a stupid investment.

But things are changing. A spokesman for one gang out of Hartford, CT said that, "First of all, we ain't a gang. We are a legitimate business entity and we support diversity just like any other company."

With the influx of good news, Garwacki is more confident that he will find a home. "With the new presidency, I think that you will see an expansion of affirmative action into private enterprises nationwide. It might even help me have sex with a real person."

In the meantime, Garwacki has purchased Rosetta Stone Vol. I to learn Spanish, gotten a tattoo, and even stolen a few candy bars from Wal-Mart in the hopes that he will find a place to call home the old fashioned way.

Editor's Note: In an effort to develop a more diverse vocabulary, Mr. Garwacki pointed out that he is looking for a new "hood" not a new "home." He also called his tattoo "ink" while explaining that he got the nickname "Whacko" from an epileptic seizure that got him suspended from school in 5th grade for "acting out."