Bills Trade Down, Want Tebow and Roethlisberger

April 22, 2010

BUFFALO -- In a surprising Draft Day move, the Buffalo Bills have traded the rights to the 9th overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft and Trent Edwards to the Pittsburgh Steelers for the rights to the 18th overall pick and Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger has come under heavy scrutiny by his organization in recent weeks because, as Steelers' president Art Rooney II put it bluntly, "Having a star quarterback sleeping around with women in the two to three hundo range is simply bad for business."

Buffalo head coach Chan Gailey analyzed the situation as follows: "We are bringing a big guy, big arm into a small market with big women. That could be trouble but I like the upside." Gailey was clearly referencing Buffalo's large population of obese divorcees and its aptly named mascot.

But the real kicker comes with what the Bills intend to do with the 18th pick. Buddy Nix believes that the Almighty will present him with Tim Tebow, whom he can then use as a mentor for Big Ben both on and off the field. "Have you seen the kid's thighs? That should put the fear of God in anyone." If that doesn't work? "I feel that we have the livestock to help sustain Ben's growth should it come down to that, if you catch my drift."

Apple Reveals the iPad

January 27, 2010

San Francisco, CA -- As is always the case, Steve Jobs and Apple have outdone themselves. Apple recently unveiled its iPad to applause from consumers and angst from competitors.

When asked about the thin, multitasking iPad, Bill Gates responded, "I am not concerned with Apple's attempt to branch into other markets. We fortunately do not compete in the feminine hygiene industry, and will remain viable despite this innovation."

Procter & Gamble CEO Bob MacDonald has come under fire for his lack of foresight in lieu of the company's 1997 acquisition of Tambrands and, inherently, Tampax Tampons.

"Of course I am concerned. Who would have ever foreseen that Apple would enter the market with a multi-tasking tampon. People are going to be wearing the iPad every day of the month now because of its electronic capabilities and easy storage for long trips."

The business plan moving forward?

"We have maintained a high market share for years without very little need for innovation, so we are going to look into other markets. There exists a prototype in R&D that could help us explore the incontinence mitigation markets. The incontinence thong will compete with Depends."

The tagline?

"Senior butt sexy."