Conficker Source Found in Ecuador!

April 1, 2009

CONFU*KED

QUITO, Ecuador -- After Microsoft posted a $250,000 bounty for the person who could discover the origin of the Conficker worm, scientist Jans Lehhvolm set out to find this mythical creature that has never been physically witnessed. Now, he claims to have it.

"When I first read about Conficker," he explained, "I thought of the common tapeworm. You see, tapeworms are usually found in third world countries where food is scarce. They latch onto their host's digestive tracts for nourishment. Since Conficker latches onto hosts for financial feeding, I naturally turned to Wall Street."

Unfortunately for Lehhvolm, stool samples from John Thain's $1.8M toilet turned up a deadend.

But here in the hyper-diverse tropical Yasuni rainforest, an Ecuadorian portion of the Amazon, Lehhvolm claims to have found the Conficker while holding onto an obese, grub-like creature. Although tests haven't confirmed the finding, all signs point to it being a hoax.

Editor's Update: When Jans was told that the Conficker wasn't actually a worm but a computer virus, Lehhvolm was far from discouraged: "I have some good friends in the pharmaceutical/bio-tech industries that will be very interested in taking up the pursuit." He then proceeded to jump in terror, stating, "What the fu** was that in my hand then!"

T.J. Simers Obsessed with Boston Sports

March 16, 2009

T.J. SIMERS OBSESSED WITH BOSTON SPORTS

Los Angeles -- The often cynical sportswriter T.J. Simers has been suffering for years from what many knowledgeable sports fans call, "growing up chubby," insinuating that his cynicism is derived from being picked last in kickball. Now he is simply suffering from lack of readership.

In order to combat this downward trend, Simers decided to borrow a tactic from the City of Champions' most beloved--sarcasm--sportswriter Dan Shaugnessy: antagonize your readers to get more readership. Simers attempts this transformation in his recent article, Boston Obsessed with Manny.

In the article, Simers uses stereotypes in not-so-subtly implying that Bostonians are self-infatuated, obsessive compulsive morons with funny accents; also, that they have no lives. But the man fails on one major account: credibility. He is a hypocrite in every aspect of the word: borrowing from a Boston sportswriter, to garner Boston readership. Did he accidentally prove that Boston is the best sports city in the world? After all, he had to get readers from somewhere outside the land of athletic indifference.

"Noooo," Simers says. "It's just that I hate them so much that I have to write about them every day."

So who is obsessed with who again?

Editor's Note: The caption in the picture was translated by RadishBlog expert translator Hai Min from LuangDong province. He says that this lady said the following: "I sreep wiv chubby white man cuz he have smarr penis and gimme green card." How do you like stereotypes now Simers? Shaugnessy also enlightened us on the tactic used by Simers. He says that, "the stereotypes are all Manny stereotypes: funny accent, moronic, etc. He just flipped those around, and it worked on the Bostonians. I do it all the time."

TARP Assets Don't Include Overflowing Septics

February 10, 2008

SEPTIC TANKS, NOT "TOXIC"

GARDINER, NY -- Ralph Drapner, 63, just finished a line off of his 1983 Dodge Ram's rusty hood. Instead of shielding the habit from view, Ralph simply says, "that's just life out here, and I know life."

What he doesn't know is that the Toxic Asset Recovery Program [TARP], as created by George W. Bush and continued by Barack Obama, does not extend to his overflowing septic tank.

"Times is tough," he says, sniffling out of an itch, not sadness, "I done can't git my tank sucked up in this economy. No person wants to by my wares, so I got no money. I just figured that my septic was toxic since it overflowed, and it needed recovery like that colored fella explained on the tele."

For now, Mr. Drapner will have to continue on in ignorance as Wall Street continues to reap the benefits of government intervention despite coming to the table with unclean hands--this is apparently a legal concept studied in a law school contracts course that John Thain.

"Economees in tha shitter, my shitters in the shitter. Shit."

Editor's Update: A 75-page letter was sent from the Obama Administration directly to Mr. Drapner in the name of "effective efficiency." It read, paraphrasing, "Your septic is toxic but not toxic as defined in section 7531(b)(7)(D) of TARP. Therefore, you will not receive 'stimulus.' You should however be receiving a fine from the EPA. Thank you."

In order to help Mr. Drapner pay his fine, and fix his septic, The Radish Blog would like to advertise that Ralph's wares are adversely possessed goods of the farming kind.

George W. Bush "Sorry" Now That Housing Crunch Hits Home

January 19, 2008 

MORTGAGE CRISIS HITS BUSH 

WACO – "I never thought it could happen to me." 

From the cigar room of his west Texas ranch, President George W. Bush reflected on the state of the mortgage crisis. 

“It’s lingering longer, and extendering further than anyone anticipated,” he said. “I feel for the American people because I'ma right there with'em.” 

That is right, even the President’s mortgage seems to have been too much to handle in these tough economic times. 

“Some guys in moving vans came to my house, and told me that I had to leave immediately. No warning or nothing.” 

So what went wrong? 

“I told 'em the American taxpayers were taking care of my digs,” he explained, a tear rolling down his cheek, “But I guess they bit off more than they could chew with the White House.” 

Editor’s Note: When President Bush later saw that Obama was moving into the same White House that had just been “foreclosed,” Bush wondered if the new President had gotten a good deal at auction with what was left from his nearly $1B war chest or if Obama bailed himself out of the mortgage mess.