February 10, 2008
SEPTIC TANKS, NOT "TOXIC"
GARDINER, NY -- Ralph Drapner, 63, just finished a line off of his 1983 Dodge Ram's rusty hood. Instead of shielding the habit from view, Ralph simply says, "that's just life out here, and I know life."
What he doesn't know is that the Toxic Asset Recovery Program [TARP], as created by George W. Bush and continued by Barack Obama, does not extend to his overflowing septic tank.
"Times is tough," he says, sniffling out of an itch, not sadness, "I done can't git my tank sucked up in this economy. No person wants to by my wares, so I got no money. I just figured that my septic was toxic since it overflowed, and it needed recovery like that colored fella explained on the tele."
For now, Mr. Drapner will have to continue on in ignorance as Wall Street continues to reap the benefits of government intervention despite coming to the table with unclean hands--this is apparently a legal concept studied in a law school contracts course that John Thain.
"Economees in tha shitter, my shitters in the shitter. Shit."
Editor's Update: A 75-page letter was sent from the Obama Administration directly to Mr. Drapner in the name of "effective efficiency." It read, paraphrasing, "Your septic is toxic but not toxic as defined in section 7531(b)(7)(D) of TARP. Therefore, you will not receive 'stimulus.' You should however be receiving a fine from the EPA. Thank you."
In order to help Mr. Drapner pay his fine, and fix his septic, The Radish Blog would like to advertise that Ralph's wares are adversely possessed goods of the farming kind.
