Rad Weekend Links (11/28-30/2008)

November 28, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 factual links with 5 fake-tual opinions.

Japan CEO Wrestles Globally (WSJ)

Oops, that meant to say that Japan wrestles with CEO pay.  Japanese banks such as Mitsubishi UFJ Financial Group have a huge issue to face as they invest in worldwide institutions:  they have to match the exorbitant price tags for CEOs such as Morgan Stanley's John Mack.  Last year, MUFG paid a shade over $8 million in compensation to its highest 14 paid executives combined; whereas, J. Mack took home a little more than $41 million in the same time frame.  So the company that is financially viable and investing in the struggling company must adjust to the struggling company's pay scale?  Okay, analogy of the week:  that is like suck.  Here is a video clip of Radish favorite Hulk Hogan wrestling in Japan to cheer you up.

Terrorists need a Hobby (CNN)

If you haven't heard, some crazy dudes killed 125 people throughout Mumbai/Bombay during the last 24 hours because they don't have a hobby.  Some people do heroin when they have no where else to turn.  Some play Guitar Hero.  Terrorists just kill people.  Maybe these terrorists should start believing in Christianity so that Santa can bring them a hobby this Christmas.  I am thinking more along the lines of Backgammon than drugs but whatever gets the job done.

WTF is a "Rogue" Wave? (MSNBC)

The adjective "rogue" refers to something that is no longer obedient.  Was a wave ever obedient?  It wasn't like 3 wave watchers were teaching waves how to sit like a rough coat terrier when one wave snapped, peed on the floor, and carried them out to sea.  Last time that I checked, the ocean wasn't a controlled environment.  The correct story should read, "Mother nature is a bit*h."

Bailout for Student Loan Debt  (FOXNews)

Gotcha!  The Troubled Asset Relief Program, aptly nicknamed TARP for its covering up of a problem rather than solving it, will do nothing for the common man.  Now, TARP has a new program called the Systemically Significant Failing Institutions Program that will give more money to the same banks under the initial TARP phase.  Same crap, different package if you think about it.  Perhaps we should nickname the program Significantly Horrible Institutions Tarp, or SHIT for short.

Old Lady Died (MSNBC)

How does one live until they are 115?  Some speculate that the keys to longevity are maintaining healthy weight and reducing stress.  However, the truth is that one must be extremely selfish to live to such an extraordinary age.  Not only did this lady see both of her sons die of old age but she refuses to give up the secret.  Come on now, kids are dying of AIDS in Africa and all this hag had to offer for advice was, "More education."  Seriously?

Obama: "No Child Left Ahead"

November 27, 2008

NO CHILD LEFT AHEAD

CHICAGO -- To the dismay of the American Federation of Teachers, Barack Obama didn't discuss education much during the election.

"We were quite pleased with his references to increased teacher salaries but what about the children?"  AFT president Randi Weingarten said.  "It just sounds like the conservative notion of trickle-down education to me."

In reaction to the swift protest from the AFT, Barack Obama spoke candidly with reporters about a more detailed plan.

"For seven years we haven't left a child behind," he sermonized, "But far too many still have the advantages of getting ahead.  It is time to bring all people together across all divides--smart and dumb.  Never again will the mildly retarded sway alone on the swing set of destiny!"

The program that seeks to hold back the intelligent to make the "less bright" feel better about themselves completely nationalizes education reform, breaching every fiber of the Tenth Amendment.  Yet, optimism still runs high.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg suggested that the Constitution is a "living document" and that, "[T]he Constitution meant something in 1776 that is irreconcilable in modern times--federalism is obviously a notion of the past."

Holly Bootman, a fourth-grader from Kingsport, Tennessee, had a different perspective.

"I need to be smarter than my peers," she cried.  "I get made fun of all the time and my only defense against being called a 'nerd' is to say, 'at least I am not dumb.'  Now I am just going to be the dim-witted geek without a defense."

For now, Bootman and others will simply have to antagonize obtuse classmates with as many intellectual barbs as possible while they still can.

Editor's Note:  Tommy Tribodeau of Dellview, N.C. writes in to remind us that although Justice Roberts is the Chief of the Law Court, "Justice Ruth 'Master' Bader Ginsburg will get this program off, even if she has to do it herself."