Indian Summer is "Racist"

THE LONE WEATHERMAN AND TONTO

December 1, 2008

BOSTON -- The American Meteorological Society and the National Congress of American Indians are back at odds over recent weather patterns.  However, as opposed to last time, the debate is over syntax rather than merits of the rain dance.

With the warm 2008 weather extending beach season and killing northeastern ski resorts, local meteorologists nationwide have turned to the phrase "Indian Summer."

"The last Indian Summer that our people saw was in 1619," said Chief Drinking Fish of the NCAI.  "Ever since those Pilgrims arrived on Plymouth Rock, it has been whitey's summer in these parts."

Scooter Sifolis of the AMS suggested the term is empowering to the Native American population.

"Indian Summer refers to the period in late autumn when Indians raided European settlements.  It recalls past glory for a people that have been relegated to the endangered species list."

As the legal process rages onward, the Indians have succeeded in garnering an injunction that prohibits the use of the term "Indian Summer" until a final judgment is reached.  In the meantime, the AMS has sent out a memo promoting the use of "St. Martin's Summer," the British counterpart.

Editor's Note:  Indian's are not an endangered species.  They are, in fact, a race of human that dominate the Northeastern U.S. Casino industry.  

Rev. Jesse Jackson, "Only Halfway There"

November 24, 2005

REV. JESSE JACKSON, "ONLY HALFWAY THERE"

CHARLESTON, S.C. -- The Reverend Jesse Jackson, elated with Barack Obama's election, was quick to point out, "We, as a society, are only halfway there."

For a nation that struggled through school segregation, the MLK Jr. assassination, outrageously expensive Nike shoes, the rampant use of racial epithets in the pop-media, and the Terry Schiavo case, Rev. Jesse Jackson calls the delayed election of a black man to the presidency a "bittersweet victory."

The reverend readily reminds readers that the country could have done this over two decades ago.  Those would be the days when Jackson himself made two consecutive bids for the most powerful position in the nation.  In his 1984 campaign, he was considered a "fringe candidate," and lost the nomination due to the unfair delegate process.

"I had 21% of the popular vote, and won states like Virginia, Louisiana, South Carolina, and Mississippi; yet, I only had 8% of delegates.  I mean, I won the most important state of all--The District of Columbia.  That is where the President lives, what means more than that?  If it weren't for that Hymietown bias, I might have been President."

Jackson renewed his bid in 1988 with greater success.  He won 11 states, including the "state" of Washington, D.C. but the conspiracy against his candidacy endured.  

"America had a chance to complete the transformation from racist to tolerant in the 1980's," Jackson reminisces, "But at least we are 50% of the way there now, Obama is half-black."

Editor's Note:  Jackson referred to New York City as Hymietown because of all the conspiring jews that cost him the election.

Michelle Obama to Paint "Black" House

November 4, 2008

THE BLACK HOUSE

CHICAGO--Michelle Obama once stated that her "[E]xperiences at Princeton have made me far more aware of my 'Blackness' than ever before," and that she would never fully assimilate into white, upper-class society because she was treated as "Black first and a student second."  Apparently, this perspective endured the more than twenty years that have elapsed since she published her senior thesis at Princeton University.

When asked about whether she would burn her thesis since the day has seemingly arrived, she simply responded, "Never.  I will never forget my roots as a poor black person.  My father struggled as an engineer to make $40,000 a year to make sure that my stay-at-home mother could put family meals on the dining table.  No, that thesis is like a footprint of wisdom on society."

The Radish then shamelessly prodded the soon-to-be First Lady about genocidal action towards white people.  Mrs. Obama coyly replied by saying that wouldn't be enough restitution for the black race.  What would be enough?

Well, upon entering office after being elected to run the country, she has vowed to paint the White House completely black.  "Why should we refer to it as a White House?  Why not a Black House?"  She said.

This was an obvious allusion to John Wiley Price who, during a Texas County Commissioners' meeting, took offense to another commissioner's use of the term "black hole" in reference to the county collections offices' questionable accounting.  Mr. Price aptly alerted his colleague that the use of racist phrases such as "black hole" were not to be tolerated in civilized society; neither was "devil's food cake."

Nonetheless, Michelle Obama is finally "proud to be an American" but she remains vigilant as there is always work to be done.

"I could have painted the White House the color of the rainbow but that wouldn't have gotten the message through.  People would just think that I was supporting the gay rights movement or something.  The fact that people would even assume that was the case is simply intolerant."

Of course, she is not oblivious to the fact that this move will alienate the political right.

"I know that some people aren't ready for this but those people are racists who believe every stereotype that they read."

Barack Obama could not be reached for comment as Michelle Obama quickly stood up and told this young, blonde, female reporter to mind her own "bid'ness" and that her man was 100% dark chocolate.

Isn't change sweet like white chocolate?

Editor's note:  $40,000 a year in the late 1970's is worth barely over $100,000 a year in modern terms.

It's Called Affirmative Action Homey

November 3, 2008

IT'S CALLED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HOMEY

FRESNO--Donald Garwacki A.K.A. Donnie Whacko is fed up with the reverse discrimination he is seeing during these trying times.  After applying to nearly twenty different sections across the country, Mr. Garwacki cannot get into the gangs at the top of his list.

"Ever since I bought 'The Chronic' by Dr. Dre in 7th grade, I've wanted to drop it like it's hot with my home-brethren," Garwacki explained.  "Forget white gangs, I can't even ride a motorcycle."

The problem is that gangs such as The Latin Kings, The Crips, and The Hells Angels recruit with strict racial guidelines despite the fact that the Supreme Court held in Regents of Univ. of California v. Bakke (1978) that a medical school cannot deny a qualified applicant based solely on race.  

When asked for comment, Justice Scalia said, "These gangs basically spit in the face of our very being but, as they are not state-run institutions like a state university, my hands are textually tied."

Gangs such as the Asian Boys, the first gang that Garwacki approached, commented that, "[Race] wasn't the only criteria we considered yo.  The dude ain't got street cred, no tats, no gats, and he bowed to everyone like we was the Wu-Tang clan or sumthin' homes. Ignorant f***."

Recalling the incident, Garwacki said that he was extremely "embarrassed" by the entire episode and realizes that his 3-week Kung-Fu course was a stupid investment.  

But things are changing.  A spokesman for one gang out of Hartford, CT said that, "First of all, we ain't a gang.  We are a legitimate business entity and we support diversity just like any other company."

With the influx of good news, Garwacki is more confident that he will find a home.  "With the new presidency, I think that you will see an expansion of affirmative action into private enterprises nationwide.  It might even help me have sex with a real person."

In the meantime, Garwacki has purchased Rosetta Stone Vol. I to learn Spanish, gotten a tattoo, and even stolen a few candy bars from Wal-Mart in the hopes that he will find a place to call home the old fashioned way.

Editor's Note:  In an effort to develop a more diverse vocabulary, Mr. Garwacki pointed out that he is looking for a new "hood" not a new "home."  He also called his tattoo "ink" while explaining that he got the nickname "Whacko" from an epileptic seizure that got him suspended from school in 5th grade for "acting out."