It's Called Affirmative Action Homey

November 3, 2008

IT'S CALLED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HOMEY

FRESNO--Donald Garwacki A.K.A. Donnie Whacko is fed up with the reverse discrimination he is seeing during these trying times.  After applying to nearly twenty different sections across the country, Mr. Garwacki cannot get into the gangs at the top of his list.

"Ever since I bought 'The Chronic' by Dr. Dre in 7th grade, I've wanted to drop it like it's hot with my home-brethren," Garwacki explained.  "Forget white gangs, I can't even ride a motorcycle."

The problem is that gangs such as The Latin Kings, The Crips, and The Hells Angels recruit with strict racial guidelines despite the fact that the Supreme Court held in Regents of Univ. of California v. Bakke (1978) that a medical school cannot deny a qualified applicant based solely on race.  

When asked for comment, Justice Scalia said, "These gangs basically spit in the face of our very being but, as they are not state-run institutions like a state university, my hands are textually tied."

Gangs such as the Asian Boys, the first gang that Garwacki approached, commented that, "[Race] wasn't the only criteria we considered yo.  The dude ain't got street cred, no tats, no gats, and he bowed to everyone like we was the Wu-Tang clan or sumthin' homes. Ignorant f***."

Recalling the incident, Garwacki said that he was extremely "embarrassed" by the entire episode and realizes that his 3-week Kung-Fu course was a stupid investment.  

But things are changing.  A spokesman for one gang out of Hartford, CT said that, "First of all, we ain't a gang.  We are a legitimate business entity and we support diversity just like any other company."

With the influx of good news, Garwacki is more confident that he will find a home.  "With the new presidency, I think that you will see an expansion of affirmative action into private enterprises nationwide.  It might even help me have sex with a real person."

In the meantime, Garwacki has purchased Rosetta Stone Vol. I to learn Spanish, gotten a tattoo, and even stolen a few candy bars from Wal-Mart in the hopes that he will find a place to call home the old fashioned way.

Editor's Note:  In an effort to develop a more diverse vocabulary, Mr. Garwacki pointed out that he is looking for a new "hood" not a new "home."  He also called his tattoo "ink" while explaining that he got the nickname "Whacko" from an epileptic seizure that got him suspended from school in 5th grade for "acting out."