RAD Weekend Links (12/19-21/2008)

December 19, 2008

RAD Weekend Links (12/19-21/2008)

INTERNET -- 5 news stories; 5 insights; 1 educational video on the mortgage crisis.

Woman's Vagina Screams, "Help!" (Yahoo!)

Michelle Duggar of Arkansas has had her 18th baby.  You read that right, 18th.  The now 42 year-old had her first baby at age 22, so this isn't one of those backyard middle school games of doctor gone horribly wrong.  Rather, this is a calculated attempt at one of two things: 1) they are trying to start their own major league baseball franchise; or 2) these are descendants of the Hatfields, ready to take aim with another shot at the McCoys.  Given the names the father and the children have, I'd go with number 2: Jim Bob, Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Jospeh, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jeddidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johanna, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace.  Does anyone see an alliterative scheme here?

Canada Pledges $13.69 to Auto-Bailout, Eh (WSJ)

As the United States plans to give $17 Billion to a bunch of guys that used their corporate jets to give unprepared, ill-argued speeches at Capitol Hill, Canada is joining suit.  Okay, so they aren't going to give Newfy's (Newfoundland) gross domestic product of $13.69 derived from no one wants to know, but instead $3.29 billion.  This money will be going to two of the big three.   Dear President Bush and guy who runs shop in Canada, there are a bunch of debt-soaked kids graduating from college and they are unemployed.  Why not help them?  They didn't cause this mess.

Andrew Jackson is Hot News? (CNN)

CNN has decided to run a piece on a book about Andrew Jackson by Jon Meacham.  This man's presidency should be well documented for its overseeing a rise in populism and the currency issues pervading the times.  Rather, CNN decided to talk to the author about his more detailed insights such as how Jackson believed in separation of church and state, and that his passion made him most like us--us being an articulate reference to society's contemporary collective conscience, which would be qualified by an equally articulate description of passionate.  Wow, remarkable...remarkably vague.  I am sure this book is scintillating but I wouldn't recommend its content for dinner conversation.

Fortunately for Cheney, You Can't Actually Drive a Truck Through a Loophole (MSNBC)

MSNBC and FOXNews continue to battle it out for most biased coverage.  While the current administration scurries to cover its buns over electronically backed up files, just as every predecessor since Reagan has done, MSNBC chooses to quote a lawyer for a historian's group of plaintiffs saying that Cheney could drive truckloads of document through a loophole.  Last time I checked, a loophole was a concept not a thing, so technically she is wrong.  On a second note, who wants to read about what Clinton really said to the NSC before screwing up Mogadishu and producing a decent military flick in Black Hawk Down?  As Paul McCartney [Macca] and Axl Rose both said at one time or another, "Live and Let Die."

Bailout for Banks, Bonus for Bums (FOXNews)

$1.69 billion dollars went to executives of financial firms last year, in a time when those banks were losing mucho dinero.  Having seen the Madoff scheme unfold, is there a difference?  Madoff gave out generous bonuses in his last days as he saw the Feds a'coming.  Why wouldn't it fit that Wall Street would give out crazy bonuses prior to the secret getting out that they no longer followed sound economic theory?  Actually, it does.  Now they have bailout money to maintain their high levels of compensation that they didn't actually earn. 

MLBPA Also Straining During Recession

December 16, 2008

THE NEW YORK YANKEES SYMPATHIZE OVER THE STRUGGLING ECONOMY

LAS VEGAS -- Coming off Major League Baseball's winter meetings, it is quite apparent that the players of the league will suffer mightily during these trying economic times.

The New York Yankees are living proof that baseball is far from recession-proof.  The once dominant empire has had to settle for C.C. Sabathia, a serviceable pitcher from the National League, and A.J. Burnett, a broken down fire-baller from Toronto.

"It was a tough market out there," Hank Steinbrenner said of the lack of talent in this year's free agent class.  "We settled on these guys, and bargained them down a little."

The price tag on these guys?  Burnett cost $82.5, and Sabathia for $161...million.  

"This isn't $82.5 million a year," Hank explained.  "It is spread out thin over 5 years, so it is more like $16 million.  Over 7 for C.C., so $23ish million a year.  These guys are feeling the pinch as much as anyone, just on a different level.

"Look, this is a different world.  We bring hope to people that only have baseball left.  The price of a smile is justified."

Editor's Note:  With Sabathia's contract, one could salvage the sub-prime market in all of New York--probably.  With Burnett's, perhaps the student loan debt could come next.

Al Qaeda Suffering from Global Economic Meltdown

December 15, 2008

FROM RICHARD REID TO MUNTADAR AL-ZAIDA

BAGHDAD -- Muntadar al-Zeidi is indicative of a new wave of terrorist.  For years, he has worked undercover, assuming the role of reporter for Cairo-based Al-Baghdadia Television.  After years of living a lie, he finally used his credentials to get into a press conference in Baghdad's Green Zone.  

The conference was to be a day of solidarity between Nouri al-Maliki, the U.S. Secretary of Iraq, and George W. Bush.  However, after Bush and his cabinet member were wrapping up a successfully vague speech, al-Zeidi struck.  The shoe missed but it came ever so close to accomplishing for al-Qaeda was the U.S. military cannot--wound the leader of the resistance.

However, the plan revealed one positive for Bush--Al Qaeda is reeling just as badly as Wall Street during these economic times.  

Al-Zeidi had this to say from custody, "I put in all of that time and effort and all that they gave me was a freakin' shoe?  We can't afford shoe bombs any longer, just shoe."

Editor's Note:  Attempted shoe bomber Richard Reid claimed that al-Zeidi didn't realize that it was in fact a shoe bomb, and should feel great shame for screwing up the operation.  Reid then realized that he failed to detonate his own shoe before he was halted by a geriatric.

RAD Weekend Links (12/12-14/2008)

December 12, 2008

RAD Weekend Links  (12/12-14/2008)

INTERNET -- 5 links....5 laughs.

Bush a "Tryant" (CNN)

If your brother throws a shoe at the President of the United States, you pretend you don't know him.  What you don't do is embrace the action, then call the most powerful man on earth a tyrant.  If this guy wants a tyrant, let him have Saddam back.  This guy would have been missing before he finished his sentiments if the Scud were still around.

The Catch 22 Bailout (WSJ)

Nancy Pelosi is ready to put pressure on Henry Paulson to use bailout funds in helping struggling homeowner's.  The question arises: why help delinquent mortgagees?  It would just be rewarding ignorance.  How come this same question never cropped up when mulling over the $50B for AIG?  Because it isn't ignorance when you willfully screw with peoples' money.

Tiger's Caddie goes Perez Hilton on Phil (ESPN)

When you become a millionaire for carrying another man's golf bag around, you become thankful for your good fortune.  After all, you are making money doing menial labor, whereas auto workers are struggling just to get a piece of the bailout money.  Ingrate Steve Williams, Tiger Woods' caddie, threw down the gauntlet with Phil Mickelson, saying "I wouldn't call Mickelson a great player, 'cause I hate the [expletive]."  That is just classy, classy like a celebrity blog.

A Ponzi Scheme goes Down in Flames; a Million More Survive Unscathed (MSNBC)

We here at the Radish like to reiterate the fact that Wall Street is dominated by speculation in a quasi-Ponzi Scheme.  Investments are not based on actual return but on what kind of a premium you can fool someone into paying for something that actually won't return anything on the investment unless it is likewise flipped under false pretenses.  Watch Boiler Room, laugh, say it isn't that bad, and then realize it is much, much worse.  Bernard Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, has scammed both rich and poor alike out of billions based on a flawed system he learned from the inside.

Fire Lit Under Palin's Ass (FOXNews)

Todd Palin, husband of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, through a molotov cocktail through their church's windows in order to light the fire to Palin's upcoming presidential bid.  Okay, so that isn't known yet but it will come out soon enough.  One churchgoer went so far as to say that the attack was uplifting?  What?  In a, "I'm going to collect crazy insurance on this building" kind of way?  By the way, it was a 2-year-old building, so it wasn't that holy to begin with.

French Man Faces Difficult Decision: Lottery Winnings or Welfare?

December 11, 2008

FRENCHMAN DONATES LOTTERY WINNINGS TO CHARITY

CLERMONT-FERRAND -- In the middle of France, there is a small city surrounded by extinct volcanoes.  This city is Clermont-Ferrand and it is well known for a sub-par soccer team, a cathedral built entirely of volcanic rock, the home of Michelin Tires, and, most importantly, its philanthropic citizens...or not.

Jean-Claude Van Baum, 56, recently won £12,000,000 in the Euro Millions lottery, and gave the money to charity.  

No, J.C. isn't independently wealthy, he just held reservations since the winnings could have jeopardized his welfare proceeds that he has been receiving regularly since 1973.  It was in that year, at age 21, that Van Baum starred in his first pornographic film.  Ever since, he has collected unemployment benefits from the government equal to 83% of that paycheck and he was weary of watching that windfall disappear.

A RadishBlog.com translator explained J.C.'s remarks concerning the move:  "I spit on handouts like lotteries.  The French struggle is chic and trendy unlike being rich Americans."

Editor's Note:  The Gothic Cathedral of Notre-Dame is ironically made of purely black, volcanic rock, which is a stark contrast to the white often associated with the heavens.  Perhaps this stands as a reminder for just where Clermont-Ferrand is: the armpit of France...the very unshaven armpit.

The Boogieman Has Been Shot

December 10, 2008

THE BOOGIEMAN BRONX

THE BRONX -- Long known as the Boogie Down for its hip-hop roots, The Bronx will forever be remembered as the Boogie for a new reason.

For years, children have "cried wolf," leaving parents across the country miffed when there is nothing in the closet.  Now, every child from age 5-12 can rest easy with the FBI arrest of the most prolific child molester of all time.  That is right, the Boogieman has been caught.

It happened late last night when 7-year-old Lamar K. heard something rustling in his closet.

"I thought it be sum foo tryn'a get mine," he said, "so my finga and pops' gat stopped that foo in his trax."

When the FBI arrived on the scene, they were greeted by the first visual ever of the elusive child molester.

"We thought he was a shape shifter," Larry Leonard of the FBI's New York office said.  "Turns out he is a balding, fat, immortal, 40-something terrorist."

The only people upset over the arrest are mental hospitals across the nation that will have to reassess thousands of patients in the coming days.

Editor's Note:  The FBI's top 3 child molester list now reads as follows: 3) Santa Claus; 2) Easter Bunny; and 1) Tooth Fairy.

Old Spice and HGH

December 9, 2008

THE NEW STEROIDS INVESTIGATION

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After the infamously ineffective steroid hearing on Capitol Hill that included Mark McGwire, Curt Schilling, Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Sammy Sosa, the big whigs in D.C. are ready to make amends.

"They are going to start investigating consumer products that may have masked components that are precursors to steroids, and that inherently promote steroid use," said former Senator George Mitchell.  "This was a just one of the many concrete conclusions of the Mitchell report."

Speculation is that Old Spice deodorant is the target of the new investigation.  With new ads containing large superstars such as LL Cool J and Brian Urlacher, many are suggesting that the brand is attempting to corner to masked steroid market the way that "Andro" did during the McGwire-Sosa homerun battle.

In one commercial, a home video depicts Urlacher as a formerly scrawny geek.  Now he stands at a mere 6'4", 258 lbs.

At 40 years of age, LL Cool J is in the best shape of his life and ironically promoting the deodorant. 

An anonymous Senator added, "He hasn't looked this good since his military days on the movie Toys.  He is obviously doing something."

Editor's Note:  A new study possibly suggests that it may just be physically possible to lose weight and look great when you have millions of dollars of free time.  Additionally, The Mitchell Report was written much like this website--very little research, tons of imagination.

NASCAR Secedes from Union

December 8, 2008

THE SOUTH RISES AGAIN

DAYTONA -- After a month of deliberations, NASCAR has made it official:  NASCAR will secede from the United States of America.

NASCAR President Mike Helton reiterated, "This has nothing to do with the election of a black president.  NASCAR simply believes in states' rights."

Despite Helton's efforts, speculation remains about the true intentions underlying the secession attempt.  After all, NASCAR isn't a state.

Many suggest that this move is a form of retribution for NASCAR citizens that were distressed by NASCAR's $250,000 donation to Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH organization back in 2003.  Back then, Peter Flaherty of the National Legal and Policy Center said that the money was "Shut Up" money so what would one call the current movement?

"Confederacy."  Dale Earnhart Jr. answered.  "What's more American than that?  If you ain't secedin', you ain't tryin'."

Editor's Note:  There are no black drivers in NASCAR's Nextel Cup; although they are "allowed" to race in the lower divisions.  It is still unclear as to whether one needs a GED or not to get a job in NASCAR's front office.  Bill Belichick, ironically of the New England Patriots, expained NASCAR's motto to be, "if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying."

RAD Weekend Links (12/5-7/2008)

December 5, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 depressing links about life; 5 cynical captions.

The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling (CNN)

As jobs continue to disappear, Wall Street remains weary.  The same people that brought you the concept of cutting jobs to increase cash flow are hypocritically bringing you the next big line of thought in banking, and they call it jumping off the bridge because everyone else is doing it.  Investors no longer invest in companies that are profitable but those that appear profitable to others based on the infamous "wire."  If there was a hollywood celebrity stock trade, it might be more stable than the NYSE.  

Daschle Wants You to Get Drunk and Solve the Healthcare Situation  (WSJ)

The presumed Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, says that healthcare reform is going to happen; however, like many of his predecessors, he has no idea what that means, see Bill/Hill Clinton.  Does this mean taking on a Hawaii-like approach whereby all children are covered?  Hawaii just ditched that program.  Does this mean adopting Mitt Romney's "everyone must have health insurance or suffer severe tax penalties" plan?  The socialist republic of Massachusetts is loving its quasi-universal healthcare cash cow more than its citizens.  Fortunately, Daschle hasn't the faintest idea but believes that a nice glass of egg nog will help lead the way.  Seriously.

Colombian Citizens Suffer the Wrath of the Ponzi Scheme (Washington Post)

David Murcia and his company DMG Holdings ran a pyramid scheme/money laundering business for investors, sometimes returning 300% in profit over the span of a few months.  Pint-seized investors lost a combined $1B on false promises when the scheme failed at the point where most Ponzi Schemes eventually do, when they run out of gas...get it?  No word on whether Murcia will receive bailout money to recoup the losses for taxpayers, almost 10% of whom were hurt in the devastation.

Ever Used Craigslist for a Babysitter?  Don't!  (MSNBC)

The days of the cute girl next door that your husband has a secret crush on have long past; rise the days of the old dude from Craigslist.  Yes folks, that is right.  People seek babysitters on Craigslist, and they get what they bargained for: a pornographic pedophile.  Ever heard of seeking references on a person before hiring them to watch your 2-year-old daughter?  This just in, Obama seeks change on Craigslist.

Don't Become an Officer of the Salvation Army (FOXNews)

If you are an officer of the Salvation Army, you may only marry another officer of the Salvation Army.  When did the Salvation Army become some sort of evangelical bigamist?  Wasn't the mission of the organization just to help those in need?  Something deeper runs beneath the SA, and, by golly, it probably runs back to Billy Graham.  

Joaquin Phoenix Calls It Quits

December 4, 2008

JOAQUIN TO BECOME LATEST IN LINE OF "TRIPLE-THREATS"

LOS ANGELES -- Emperor Commodus has decided to leave the fate of Rome in the peoples' hands in order to search for his place amongst the great triple-threats of all-time; mythical legends such as Hercules, Odysseus, and Ashlee Simpson.

Actually, Joaquin isn't trading Rome for the open road but Hollywood for MoTown.  Joaquin Phoenix's only real musical success to date is his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk The Line, for which Phoenix recorded his own vocals.  Now Phoenix seeks success as he moves onto the next chapter in his life.  

"I want critical acclaim because seeking public glory is far too trendy these days."  

However, it is speculated that Phoenix is just saying these things to keep himself grounded in the wake of other acting stars that have failed in similar pursuits i.e. Keanu Reeves and Dogstar.

Ashlee Simpson, a self-proclaimed triple-threat, suggests that Joaquin will be fine even if he fails.

"Even if he lip syncs and the music is really bad, he will have his acting skills to fall back on.  I mean, look at Keanu, he is still making money because he is such a good actor."

Editor's Note:  Ashlee Simpson is not a triple-threat because A) she can't sing; B) she had a reality show i.e. not acting; and C) having children out of wedlock isn't really a talent.  Keanu Reeves has actually played the same monotone bore in every movie he has made except for Babes in Toyland and the Bill & Ted's movies.  Phoenix's triple threat: 1) acting; 2) singing; and 3) gladiating...is that even a word?

Obama for Change?

December 3, 2008

HILLARY READY TO STAND AT THE URINAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. --  In an effort to further prove that he is not just another Washington insider, Barack Obama has chosen Hillary Rodham Clinton as his Secretary of State.  Wait, reverse that.

When asked about why Hillary was qualified for the position, Obama responded, "This wasn't a deal that was struck during the hotly contested primary process.  Specifically, we did not discuss this matter in the days before Hillary's withdrawal from the race when it looked like Florida and Michigan votes might be reinstated, which could have cost me the primary."

What Obama meant to say is that Clinton's Senate Committee work--Committee on Budget, Committee on Armed Services, Committee on Environment and Public Works, Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, and the Special Committee on Aging--make her a specialist on geriatric veterans that recycle their newspapers and need health insurance; ergh, worthy diplomat.

Many democratic leaders suggest that Clinton's time as first lady give her unmatched qualities that will go a long way in conducting the president's foreign policy agenda.  Frasier Laver of Kingsville, Texas thinks otherwise.

"My wife been on my ranch since we been married, but that don't mean she drive the tractor or pee standing up if ya catch my drift."

Editor's Note:  The only Clinton crony missing from Obama's cabinet is George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic.

Plaxico Burress: A Victim of Black on Black Crime

December 2, 2008

THE NFL AND BLACK ON BLACK CRIME

NEW YORK CITY -- Plaxico Burress suffered a gunshot wound while spending a night out at The Latin Club in Manhattan.  

Burress, who is under a Goldman Sachs-like $35 million dollar contract with the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, is no stranger to disciplinary action by the NFL.  Once, he was fined $45,000 for abusing a game official.

But this time, Burress' troubles are different, and indicative of a problem that runs deep throughout today's NFL: Black on Black crime.  

Last November, Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins was killed during a botched home invasion.  Darrent Williams of the Denver Broncos was killed in a drive-by just a few months later.  Perhaps the most notorious of the shootings was the Pac Man Jones shootings outside the Minxx Gentleman's Club in Las Vegas where Jones "Made it Rain" on strippers with $81,000 in cash.  When the strippers took the cash, outrageously thinking it was for them, an agitated Jones started an argument that led to the retaliatory shootings.  All black on black crimes.

But the crimes are not limited to shootings.  In 2000, Ray Lewis stabbed another black man, got away with the murder, and went on to win a Super Bowl the following season.

When the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, was questioned about the issue of black on black crime and his league, Goodell responded, "Crime?  The imbecile shot himself in the leg.  Color me bad, maybe, but certainly not black on black.  That is how I interpret the rules."

Editor's Note:  Goodell might be a racist.  Lewis might be a murderer.  Burress is an idiot.  Pac Man obviously misunderstood the concept behind a strip club; otherwise, many a man would only take a single one dollar bill into the strip club since it would be reusable.

Indian Summer is "Racist"

THE LONE WEATHERMAN AND TONTO

December 1, 2008

BOSTON -- The American Meteorological Society and the National Congress of American Indians are back at odds over recent weather patterns.  However, as opposed to last time, the debate is over syntax rather than merits of the rain dance.

With the warm 2008 weather extending beach season and killing northeastern ski resorts, local meteorologists nationwide have turned to the phrase "Indian Summer."

"The last Indian Summer that our people saw was in 1619," said Chief Drinking Fish of the NCAI.  "Ever since those Pilgrims arrived on Plymouth Rock, it has been whitey's summer in these parts."

Scooter Sifolis of the AMS suggested the term is empowering to the Native American population.

"Indian Summer refers to the period in late autumn when Indians raided European settlements.  It recalls past glory for a people that have been relegated to the endangered species list."

As the legal process rages onward, the Indians have succeeded in garnering an injunction that prohibits the use of the term "Indian Summer" until a final judgment is reached.  In the meantime, the AMS has sent out a memo promoting the use of "St. Martin's Summer," the British counterpart.

Editor's Note:  Indian's are not an endangered species.  They are, in fact, a race of human that dominate the Northeastern U.S. Casino industry.