Bush Announces Troop Withdrawal

November 20, 2008

BUSH ANNOUNCES TROOP WITHDRAWAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After offering his awesome congratulations for President-Elect Barack Obama, George W. Bush announced that he plans to withdraw troops from Iraq starting tomorrow.

"Although the Republican Party lost this election, I still hold that our crusade through the gardens of Babylon have been part of a successful campaign."

This is a sign that Bush is becoming more contemplative as he prepares the U-Haul for a move back to Waco, the site of both his ranch and Jesus' resurrection in 1993.  However, Iraqi officials are desperately lobbying for the United States' military forces to remain in occupation.

Abdul Qadir stated, "Iraq cannot fully support its internal security until 2012 nor protect its borders until 2018.  We need the Americans to stay.  We want them to stay."

General James N. Mattis, Joint Forces Commander in Iraq, said, "Abby just hasn't received the memo yet.  He doesn't need to pretend that Iraq needs us any more."

When asked about how such sensitive material wasn't immediately communicated to the Iraqi Defense Minister, Mattis speculated, "Maybe the mailman went postal?"

Bush concluded by saying that, "I made my father proud, I made God proud, but I'm not about to let someone leech off of my biggest idea.  Obama can start a war of his own...he'll need it come time for re-election."

What will Bush look to do with all of his free time?

"Maybe I'll look into making a documentary about global cooling.  I hear there is a lot of money in the environment."

Editor's Note:  Bush added that there is still some debate as to whether or not David Koresh of the Branch Dividian Church was in fact Jesus resurrected.  An envious Bush said, "I'm hoping to prove that I still have a chance."