The Expanded Stimulus Plan

November 12, 2008

WALL STREET HAS AN ANSWER

(SE)CRETe -- So what do Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley, J. P. Morgan, and Lehman Brothers all have in common?  No, they aren't all related by some incestuous genealogy--actually, maybe.  Rather, at the government's behest, they have sent top brass to an undisclosed meeting place in the Mediterranean to hash things out.

Why the Mediterranean?

"We are here to talk about real solutions to a financial crisis," said John J. Mack, CEO of Morgan Stanley, "and, all you care about is the $21.6 million price tag on our weekend getaway."

Regardless, Wall Street may have come up with a money making scheme that immediately injects palpable assets into retirement accounts as opposed to little digits into end of the year reports: Get engaged.

J. J. Mack, explained that it was really quite simple.

"When you get engaged, you have a party," he grinned, "and, we find that average american couples receive $5-10,000 on average."

Then what?

"Move in together within 3 to 6 months," he added, "House warmings bring you more money, and some of life's necessities such as furniture and dinnerware.  Oh, then get married within the year.  The cumulative effect of these measures should give you the economic stimulus required to survive into 2010."

And what if marriage isn't an option?  We can't all have a bah mitzvah, which raises more questions about the stimulus plan.

"You probably shouldn't get a divorce because that will cost you most of your earnings," "The" Donald Trump added.

And, Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves mentioned that, "Too much stimulating could result in illegitimate children, which could hurt your package."

In the end, it just isn't Always Sunny in Philadelphia--because the bailout money went to New York City!

Editor's Note:  When questioned about how the bailout could help, Edward M. Liddy of AIG said, "Get your own money, beggar."  Every rising hedge fund owner in the world added that this kind of plan could blow up in smoke like putting all of your money into oil futures without a hedge.