WALL STREET STRUGGLES WITH REALITY
NEW YORK -- World superpower Goldman Sachs has been cleared for $10 billion dollars worth of insurance for bonuses to help the entity stabilize its small nation's worth of assets. The windfall comes despite diluted earnings of $1.81 per share during the third quarter of 2008.
Goldman spokesperson Napoleon Stalinsky said that, "Although it appears to be a profit, it is actually a loss because we made $6.13 per share during this same time period last year."
The securities brokerage also has been reported to have more than $13 billion reserved through three quarters for the purpose of single-handedly saving the financial sector. "No, that money is for bonuses," Stalinsky later clarified.
How is this all possible?
"We lost $2.1 Billion in non-investment-grade credit origination activities and if it weren't for our franchise trading, we wouldn't have covered such a devastating loss."
Fortunately for Goldman Sachs' employees, cuts are on the way to further establish the black in the books. On the same day that the Government insured employee bonuses for giants such as Goldman and Merrill Lynch, Goldman announced a 10% cut in jobs at the company. This equates to just a hair over 3,000 employees.
"The move is a win-win for everyone," Stalinsky added. "Those cuts will come for many low-level employees, who will get up to 3-months in severance pay. Sure, it won't be anywhere near what their salary plus bonus would be but it will feel like an extended vacation. Furthermore, upper-level employees get the increase in bonuses that they desperately need to provide for their families."
Editor's note: Franchise trading refers to the trading that the company does for itself and not for its investors; kind of like a control group versus the experimental set.
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