HULK HOGAN IS A "REAL" AMERICAN
TAMPA -- Terrance Gene Bollea A.K.A. Hulk Hogan is devastated by what he is hearing from passersby in the streets. No, not that he is a pedophile for dating a woman that bears a striking resemblance to his daughter. No, not that he is an evil man for the mishandling of his son's detention for reckless driving. Rather, Bollea is sick of hearing people say, "I am finally proud to be an American."
"Listen brother, when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, ya gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide--" Bollea then added, "--behind the blame game."
Just how does it make him feel that people used George W. Bush as scapegoat? Well, Hulk is particularly concerned about the mistreatment of troops and his own personal dignity.
"Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride."
Fortunately, Hogan is no stranger to the arduous task of recovering from defeat. In a match at The Survivor Series on Thanksgiving night of 1989, Hogan's neck was snapped by Zeus, the god of sky and thunder. So, what does the Hulk do when he is really down and out?
"I gotta be a man," he said, "I can't let it slide."
This new Hogan should not to be confused with previous reincarnations such as Hollywood Hulk. He is more reflective and passive in his approach to life. But what exactly does it mean to be a proud American?
"I am a real American," he said. "Fight for the rights of every man!"
And, that is how we should remember the Hulkster, as his only masked role in wrestling entertainment: Mr. America.
Editor's Note: Controversy remains over whether or not the Zeus who snapped Hogan's neck was the real king of gods. First of all, Hogan's Zeus is black, and Classics Professor Arn Brennan maintains that all Greek gods were "as white as Jesus." Perhaps more compelling is that fact Hogan's nemesis bore a striking resemblance to Debo from the box office blockbuster Friday. On a side note, there is absolutely no question about whether Hogan's neck was actually snapped as Bollea could not have performed such a convincing acting job on his own.
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