November 13, 2008
THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT BABY, LITERALLY
ANCHORAGE -- It is no secret that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin spent most of the latter days of the election solidifying the Republican base for her own presidential bid in 2012. This drew anger from McCain aides that claimed that Palin was like a "rogue missile" or "like that annoying girl in college that you dealt with because she was so good at sucking down energy drinks and finishing your math homework."
Others, who wished to remain anonymous, thought aloud, "I wish I had thought of stumping for Palin for Prez '12 instead of politicking for an '08 presidency that I had already won. I should have thought about re-election when I first saw her."
However, Palin did reveal that she understands that, as Governor of Alaska, she still has obligations to her state. Objective number one: Abortion reform--adopt California's three strike rule but for abortions.
The plan works like this: Every female is given three get-out-of-jail-free cards, otherwise known as strikes. Instead of jail though, it is pregnancy, which Palin explained "[Pregnancy] is not jail at all but a beautiful process where you get to eat a lot while the other 17-year-olds in your class are struggling with bulimia."
On the fourth abortion, you would have to keep the baby, and give it up for adoption because you can't properly care for the baby when you have to spend the next ten years of your life behind bars.
When asked about the details of her plans, Palin commented that, "The kinks haven't been worked out but then again if it were kinked, the water wouldn't be coming out of the hose. What a hoot!"
Palin then refused to answer a question about her origins when asked, "How the hell did you get a Minnesotan accent?
Editor's Note: A forensic expert later explained that Palin's genealogy must contain some Canadians, some western Great Lakes regional folk, and most likely a needy chipmunk to produce that accent.
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