Obama: "No Child Left Ahead"

November 27, 2008

NO CHILD LEFT AHEAD

CHICAGO -- To the dismay of the American Federation of Teachers, Barack Obama didn't discuss education much during the election.

"We were quite pleased with his references to increased teacher salaries but what about the children?"  AFT president Randi Weingarten said.  "It just sounds like the conservative notion of trickle-down education to me."

In reaction to the swift protest from the AFT, Barack Obama spoke candidly with reporters about a more detailed plan.

"For seven years we haven't left a child behind," he sermonized, "But far too many still have the advantages of getting ahead.  It is time to bring all people together across all divides--smart and dumb.  Never again will the mildly retarded sway alone on the swing set of destiny!"

The program that seeks to hold back the intelligent to make the "less bright" feel better about themselves completely nationalizes education reform, breaching every fiber of the Tenth Amendment.  Yet, optimism still runs high.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg suggested that the Constitution is a "living document" and that, "[T]he Constitution meant something in 1776 that is irreconcilable in modern times--federalism is obviously a notion of the past."

Holly Bootman, a fourth-grader from Kingsport, Tennessee, had a different perspective.

"I need to be smarter than my peers," she cried.  "I get made fun of all the time and my only defense against being called a 'nerd' is to say, 'at least I am not dumb.'  Now I am just going to be the dim-witted geek without a defense."

For now, Bootman and others will simply have to antagonize obtuse classmates with as many intellectual barbs as possible while they still can.

Editor's Note:  Tommy Tribodeau of Dellview, N.C. writes in to remind us that although Justice Roberts is the Chief of the Law Court, "Justice Ruth 'Master' Bader Ginsburg will get this program off, even if she has to do it herself."