Rad Weekend Links (11/28-30/2008)

November 28, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 factual links with 5 fake-tual opinions.

Japan CEO Wrestles Globally (WSJ)

Oops, that meant to say that Japan wrestles with CEO pay.  Japanese banks such as Mitsubishi UFJ Financial Group have a huge issue to face as they invest in worldwide institutions:  they have to match the exorbitant price tags for CEOs such as Morgan Stanley's John Mack.  Last year, MUFG paid a shade over $8 million in compensation to its highest 14 paid executives combined; whereas, J. Mack took home a little more than $41 million in the same time frame.  So the company that is financially viable and investing in the struggling company must adjust to the struggling company's pay scale?  Okay, analogy of the week:  that is like suck.  Here is a video clip of Radish favorite Hulk Hogan wrestling in Japan to cheer you up.

Terrorists need a Hobby (CNN)

If you haven't heard, some crazy dudes killed 125 people throughout Mumbai/Bombay during the last 24 hours because they don't have a hobby.  Some people do heroin when they have no where else to turn.  Some play Guitar Hero.  Terrorists just kill people.  Maybe these terrorists should start believing in Christianity so that Santa can bring them a hobby this Christmas.  I am thinking more along the lines of Backgammon than drugs but whatever gets the job done.

WTF is a "Rogue" Wave? (MSNBC)

The adjective "rogue" refers to something that is no longer obedient.  Was a wave ever obedient?  It wasn't like 3 wave watchers were teaching waves how to sit like a rough coat terrier when one wave snapped, peed on the floor, and carried them out to sea.  Last time that I checked, the ocean wasn't a controlled environment.  The correct story should read, "Mother nature is a bit*h."

Bailout for Student Loan Debt  (FOXNews)

Gotcha!  The Troubled Asset Relief Program, aptly nicknamed TARP for its covering up of a problem rather than solving it, will do nothing for the common man.  Now, TARP has a new program called the Systemically Significant Failing Institutions Program that will give more money to the same banks under the initial TARP phase.  Same crap, different package if you think about it.  Perhaps we should nickname the program Significantly Horrible Institutions Tarp, or SHIT for short.

Old Lady Died (MSNBC)

How does one live until they are 115?  Some speculate that the keys to longevity are maintaining healthy weight and reducing stress.  However, the truth is that one must be extremely selfish to live to such an extraordinary age.  Not only did this lady see both of her sons die of old age but she refuses to give up the secret.  Come on now, kids are dying of AIDS in Africa and all this hag had to offer for advice was, "More education."  Seriously?

Obama: "No Child Left Ahead"

November 27, 2008

NO CHILD LEFT AHEAD

CHICAGO -- To the dismay of the American Federation of Teachers, Barack Obama didn't discuss education much during the election.

"We were quite pleased with his references to increased teacher salaries but what about the children?"  AFT president Randi Weingarten said.  "It just sounds like the conservative notion of trickle-down education to me."

In reaction to the swift protest from the AFT, Barack Obama spoke candidly with reporters about a more detailed plan.

"For seven years we haven't left a child behind," he sermonized, "But far too many still have the advantages of getting ahead.  It is time to bring all people together across all divides--smart and dumb.  Never again will the mildly retarded sway alone on the swing set of destiny!"

The program that seeks to hold back the intelligent to make the "less bright" feel better about themselves completely nationalizes education reform, breaching every fiber of the Tenth Amendment.  Yet, optimism still runs high.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg suggested that the Constitution is a "living document" and that, "[T]he Constitution meant something in 1776 that is irreconcilable in modern times--federalism is obviously a notion of the past."

Holly Bootman, a fourth-grader from Kingsport, Tennessee, had a different perspective.

"I need to be smarter than my peers," she cried.  "I get made fun of all the time and my only defense against being called a 'nerd' is to say, 'at least I am not dumb.'  Now I am just going to be the dim-witted geek without a defense."

For now, Bootman and others will simply have to antagonize obtuse classmates with as many intellectual barbs as possible while they still can.

Editor's Note:  Tommy Tribodeau of Dellview, N.C. writes in to remind us that although Justice Roberts is the Chief of the Law Court, "Justice Ruth 'Master' Bader Ginsburg will get this program off, even if she has to do it herself."

Wall Street Struggles With Reality

November 26, 2005

WALL STREET STRUGGLES WITH REALITY

NEW YORK -- World superpower Goldman Sachs has been cleared for $10 billion dollars worth of insurance for bonuses to help the entity stabilize its small nation's worth of assets.  The windfall comes despite diluted earnings of $1.81 per share during the third quarter of 2008.

Goldman spokesperson Napoleon Stalinsky said that, "Although it appears to be a profit, it is actually a loss because we made $6.13 per share during this same time period last year."

The securities brokerage also has been reported to have more than $13 billion reserved through three quarters for the purpose of single-handedly saving the financial sector.  "No, that money is for bonuses," Stalinsky later clarified.  

How is this all possible?

"We lost $2.1 Billion in non-investment-grade credit origination activities and if it weren't for our franchise trading, we wouldn't have covered such a devastating loss."

Fortunately for Goldman Sachs' employees, cuts are on the way to further establish the black in the books.  On the same day that the Government insured employee bonuses for giants such as Goldman and Merrill Lynch, Goldman announced a 10% cut in jobs at the company.  This equates to just a hair over 3,000 employees.

"The move is a win-win for everyone," Stalinsky added.  "Those cuts will come for many low-level employees, who will get up to 3-months in severance pay.  Sure, it won't  be anywhere near what their salary plus bonus would be but it will feel like an extended vacation.  Furthermore, upper-level employees get the increase in bonuses that they desperately need to provide for their families."

Editor's note:  Franchise trading refers to the trading that the company does for itself and not for its investors; kind of like a control group versus the experimental set.

Obama Win Equals Free Pass for Sox-Yankees

November 25, 2008

OBAMA WIN EQUALS FREE PASS FOR SOX-YANKEES

BOSTON -- Boston Red Sox fan Lenny McInnis is irate with the fact that we reported this article as being from Boston when he is clearly from Dorchester.  More importantly, he is disgusted with hearing all about peoples' opinions on his facebook.com newsfeed.

"Facebook is great kid but let's keep it real.  I like checkin' out the ladies in their bikinis but it kills my chubby when that same broad is posting about how she wants to be 'Obama's Mama.'  Get what I'm sayin' guy?"

Normally an ardent adversary of Lenny McInnis, Yankees fan Joey Juliano expressed similar sentiments.

"I love laughing at the dudes who post pictures online with their fake tans and bling, thinking they got it all," he said, before sending his blonde bombshell of a girlfriend to go grab his American Crew hair gel.  "Sorry bro,' gotta maintain the blowout.  Anyways, I just don't need to hear you complain about politics.  There are more important things in life, like sports and looking good."

That is right folks, sports.  In the northeast corridor, baseball reigns supreme and the sometimes obnoxious interplay between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans draws disdain from the rest of the nation--just read the comments section to an ESPN article for a quick example on all fronts.

But, with the election of Barack Obama, and the subsequent outpouring of emotion from both sides of the political spectrum, baseball fans from New York to Maine now have a free pass.  After all, Katie Couric stated that last night was like a Super Bowl celebration.  

"Now they get it!"

Editor's Note:  McInnis noted that Barack Obama can't hit a homa' like Big Papi, and openly wondered if Obama was cousins with Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick.  Mr. Juliano said that he wants an investigation into Curt Schilling's bloody sock; further stating, "Screw steroids.  The Giambino sucked after that."  Katie Couric maintained that she is only pretending to be an awful news anchor, setting herself up for a feature film career.

Rev. Jesse Jackson, "Only Halfway There"

November 24, 2005

REV. JESSE JACKSON, "ONLY HALFWAY THERE"

CHARLESTON, S.C. -- The Reverend Jesse Jackson, elated with Barack Obama's election, was quick to point out, "We, as a society, are only halfway there."

For a nation that struggled through school segregation, the MLK Jr. assassination, outrageously expensive Nike shoes, the rampant use of racial epithets in the pop-media, and the Terry Schiavo case, Rev. Jesse Jackson calls the delayed election of a black man to the presidency a "bittersweet victory."

The reverend readily reminds readers that the country could have done this over two decades ago.  Those would be the days when Jackson himself made two consecutive bids for the most powerful position in the nation.  In his 1984 campaign, he was considered a "fringe candidate," and lost the nomination due to the unfair delegate process.

"I had 21% of the popular vote, and won states like Virginia, Louisiana, South Carolina, and Mississippi; yet, I only had 8% of delegates.  I mean, I won the most important state of all--The District of Columbia.  That is where the President lives, what means more than that?  If it weren't for that Hymietown bias, I might have been President."

Jackson renewed his bid in 1988 with greater success.  He won 11 states, including the "state" of Washington, D.C. but the conspiracy against his candidacy endured.  

"America had a chance to complete the transformation from racist to tolerant in the 1980's," Jackson reminisces, "But at least we are 50% of the way there now, Obama is half-black."

Editor's Note:  Jackson referred to New York City as Hymietown because of all the conspiring jews that cost him the election.

Rad Weekend Links (11/21-23/2008)

November 21, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 News Stories, 5 Sad Truths--One awesome Elmo video.

Citigroup to Receive $20B More in Aid (CNN)

Okay, so Citi continues to lose money--perhaps it is a good idea for Bush to stop giving the homeless man more money when he keeps spending it on a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps.  He is never going to take the money to a Chipotle Mexican Grill and get himself some digestion inducing burritos.  How about we give the money to some struggling homeowners who aren't broke or some struggling graduates with exorbitant loans?  Those people could go ahead and pay off a portion of those distressed assets or at least get a nice stock of liquor for the cold season.  

Deodorant Kills British 12-year-old (FoxNews)

As heart disease, cancer, and gang-related drive-bys continue to take lives, a new culprit arrives on the scene:  human perspiration.  It looks like your fear of sweating in front of the cool girl could lead to your demise, so stick to a stick of deodorant and not the spray can.

Where are the Hot Holiday Toys?  (MSNBC)

Sure the economic downturn is going to make this a coal-sock Christmas, ruining the illusion of Santa for many, but don't forget that toy companies have sucked of late.  Without Tickle-Me Elmo or Furby, the toy market is down.  First of all, maybe it is good that people won't spend like crazy this Christmas--there will be less Dudley Dursley's in the world.  On the other hand, you have to be kidding.  Toy companies couldn't come up with a battery induced, gay stuffed animal to knock your socks off this year?  How about G-Money, the rapping polar bear?

19-year-old College Student Found Dead in Frat House (Chicago Tribune)

Ever heard of the Illinois Institute of Technology?  Well, now you have because a student died from inhaling carbon dioxide from a canister.  Whatever that means.  One friend said that they expected his classmate to do epic things with his life.  Um, no offense but you guys are at IIT, which could be confused for ITT based on status and abbreviation.

Americans Drive Less, Cause Crisis (WSJ)

Heaven forbid that the American populace would take control of its own financial destiny, and environmental future for that matter, and start using public transportation more.  Now all kinds of lobbying interests are upset:  1)  OPEC wants us to drive more and consume their oil; 2)  Car companies want us to buy SUVs because they cost a bundle; 3)  The government wants us to justify their expansions of $300M bridges to nowhere; and 4) Beezlebub is worried that declining greed will hurt his steady population growth in hell.

Bush Announces Troop Withdrawal

November 20, 2008

BUSH ANNOUNCES TROOP WITHDRAWAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After offering his awesome congratulations for President-Elect Barack Obama, George W. Bush announced that he plans to withdraw troops from Iraq starting tomorrow.

"Although the Republican Party lost this election, I still hold that our crusade through the gardens of Babylon have been part of a successful campaign."

This is a sign that Bush is becoming more contemplative as he prepares the U-Haul for a move back to Waco, the site of both his ranch and Jesus' resurrection in 1993.  However, Iraqi officials are desperately lobbying for the United States' military forces to remain in occupation.

Abdul Qadir stated, "Iraq cannot fully support its internal security until 2012 nor protect its borders until 2018.  We need the Americans to stay.  We want them to stay."

General James N. Mattis, Joint Forces Commander in Iraq, said, "Abby just hasn't received the memo yet.  He doesn't need to pretend that Iraq needs us any more."

When asked about how such sensitive material wasn't immediately communicated to the Iraqi Defense Minister, Mattis speculated, "Maybe the mailman went postal?"

Bush concluded by saying that, "I made my father proud, I made God proud, but I'm not about to let someone leech off of my biggest idea.  Obama can start a war of his own...he'll need it come time for re-election."

What will Bush look to do with all of his free time?

"Maybe I'll look into making a documentary about global cooling.  I hear there is a lot of money in the environment."

Editor's Note:  Bush added that there is still some debate as to whether or not David Koresh of the Branch Dividian Church was in fact Jesus resurrected.  An envious Bush said, "I'm hoping to prove that I still have a chance."

Hulk Hogan is a "Real" American

November 19, 2008

HULK HOGAN IS A "REAL" AMERICAN

TAMPA -- Terrance Gene Bollea A.K.A. Hulk Hogan is devastated by what he is hearing from passersby in the streets.  No, not that he is a pedophile for dating a woman that bears a striking resemblance to his daughter.  No, not that he is an evil man for the mishandling of his son's detention for reckless driving.  Rather, Bollea is sick of hearing people say, "I am finally proud to be an American."

"Listen brother, when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, ya gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide--"  Bollea then added, "--behind the blame game."

Just how does it make him feel that people used George W. Bush as scapegoat?  Well, Hulk is particularly concerned about the mistreatment of troops and his own personal dignity.

"Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride."

Fortunately, Hogan is no stranger to the arduous task of recovering from defeat.  In a match at The Survivor Series on Thanksgiving night of 1989, Hogan's neck was snapped by Zeus, the god of sky and thunder.  So, what does the Hulk do when he is really down and out?

"I gotta be a man," he said, "I can't let it slide."

This new Hogan should not to be confused with previous reincarnations such as Hollywood Hulk.  He is more reflective and passive in his approach to life.  But what exactly does it mean to be a proud American?

"I am a real American," he said.  "Fight for the rights of every man!"

And, that is how we should remember the Hulkster, as his only masked role in wrestling entertainment: Mr. America.

Editor's Note:  Controversy remains over whether or not the Zeus who snapped Hogan's neck was the real king of gods.  First of all, Hogan's Zeus is black, and Classics Professor Arn Brennan maintains that all Greek gods were "as white as Jesus."  Perhaps more compelling is that fact Hogan's nemesis bore a striking resemblance to Debo from the box office blockbuster Friday.  On a side note, there is absolutely no question about whether Hogan's neck was actually snapped as Bollea could not have performed such a convincing acting job on his own.

Obama's Mob Cabinet

November 18, 2008

OBAMA LEGITIMIZES CRIME FAMILY

FOXNEWS.COM -- FoxNews is reporting that Obama will recycle Clinton's cronies when appointing cabinet members.  One list of possibilities for Secretary of the Treasury includes 1) Timothy Geithner, president of Federal Reserve Bank of New York; 2) Paul Volcker, Chairman of the Former Federal Reserve; and 3) Lawrence Summers, former treasury secretary and one-time Harvard University president.  (See Possible Appointments)

Missing from this list is current Maine Governor John Baldacci.  Infamously known for his botched takeover of Vatican-owned Immobiliare, Baldacci moved to politics in order to "legitimize the family."

The former four-term Congressman now strikes headlines from his gubernatorial seat.  Baldacci made a sale of the state liquor license in 2003, which sold two-thirds of the state monopoly to a Wall Street firm: Lindsay, Goldberg & Bessemer.  The other third went to Massachusetts based Martignetti as represented by Larry Benoit, Baldacci's former chief of staff.  (The idea was spearheaded by Severin Belliveau, lobbyist for LGB.)

More recently in March of 2005, Baldacci apparently sold the state's powerball proceeds--an estimated $400 million over a period of ten years--for a $250 million lump sum.  The sum conveniently covered his annual deficit going into the 2006 election cycle.

His track record lends little encouragement for Americans living in fear of financial crisis and his own words enhance this concern.

When asked what his motto would be if given the reigns to America's economic policy, Baldacci said, "I call it selling the house to pay for the credit card."

Editor's Note:  Maine owes its debt to programs such as the infamous "give every seventh grader in the state a laptop that their trailer trash dad will use to surf the internet for adult material."  Former governor Angus King's brain child only cost a penance compared to his bank account, worth more than Maine's GDP--Baldacci renewed the Apple contract in mid-2006 for $41 million, mere weeks  before Apple's release of the Intel-based computers.  The Radish compares this to buying a Commodore 64 at full price the day before Nintendo came out.  (If you don't get the Godfather references, well, RadishBlog.com feels bad for you.)

Cash Cabin Fever

November 17, 2008

CASH CABIN FEVER

NEW YORK CITY -- Ken Jennings, most well-known for being Jeopardy's all-time greatest champion, may have a new claim to fame. The Radish recently found out that the slew of victories on Discovery Channel's Cash Cab is no fluke.

Jennings made his first splash on Cash Cab back in May of 2006 when he "stumbled" upon the cab on New York City's Fifth Avenue near Central Park.

"I had no idea that 1G12 was the Cash Cab's number," Ken said.

Ken made $2700 dollars on his first appearance, which was a far cry from the $34,090.54 dollars that Jennings averaged over 74 episodes on Jeopardy. Disgruntled over the pay cut, Jennings prayed for another chance in cab 1G12. His wish came true.

"I swear, no idea."

Unfortunately for Ken, host Ben Bailey wouldn't allow it at as a matter of LionTV policy. Jennings became enraged and started stalking Bailey in disguise, winning an additional $7,200 before being caught. The giveaway, "When he answered in the form of a question."

The subsequent restraining order Bailey placed on Jennings wasn't enough. With the aid of an ear piece and unassuming tourists, Jennings amassed another $126,850 over 43 episodes. But the jig is up.

Asked why he needed the money, Jennings answered, "What is my fix, Alex."

Editor's Note: Further investigation revealed that Jennings had actually lost all of his trivia game-show winnings in the underground Thai game-show industry when he took on too much house credit. He would have tripled his earnings had he not refused to answer a MTV Real World question about fellow mormon Julie Stoffer whom Jennings refers to as that "unrepentant pin-up."

Rad Weekend Links (11/14-16/2008)

November 14, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 true headlines; 5 strangely true captions.

Going for Broke Against the Ku Klux Klan (CNN)

A young Kentucky boy was beaten at a country fair for being different--a fair, mind you, that allowed KKK members to operate a recruiting booth.  What does this boy face as he tries to bankrupt the Klan?  Just an all-white jury and defendants with names like: Imperial Wizard Ron Edwards, Ohio's Grand Titan, Joshua Cowles the Exalted Cyclops, and Andrew W. Watkins the Imperial Gothi.  This might as well be a lawsuit against Voldemort, Hercules, the X-Men and Marilyn Manson.  Can you say that Kentucky is bass ackwards?  

Paulson Starts to Recall Econ 101, Backs off Bailout Expansion (Reuters)

Although he still wants to purchase more stakes in banks, Paulson is retreating from the idea that retailers such as Circuit City will soon rejoice in the bailout green.  Say what you want about Wal-Mart but at least they are embracing the concept of globalization: specialization (outsourcing of manufacturing, kind of) leads to lower overheads, leads to lower prices at home, which leads to profitability.  Whereas, companies such as Nike have practices that inspire song lyrics like these by Flight of the Conchords:

They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers

But what's the real cost, 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper

Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when you got little kid slaves making them

What are your overheads?

Red Sox Lose World Series, Win USAToday Ranking (USA Today)

After a study based on personnel, scouting, facilities, marketing, financial outlook, and bandwagoning, the Boston Red Sox have been hailed by USA Today as the #1 franchise in Major League Baseball.  This is further proof that nepotism sucks, see Hank Steinbrenner.  In other baseball news, Manny Ramirez won't settle for less than Obama campaign-type money.  

AIG is all that is Wrong with the Financial Sector (CNN)

The problem with the bailout is that it changes the bottom line but not the underlying problem.  There is a fundamental flaw on Wall Street, a credo that maintaining a steady profit, and self-sustaining business, isn't enough.  Rather, these self-proclaimed geniuses believe that capitalism means hoarding as much as you can while you can without regard to normal market mechanisms.  The bailouts are insulating this mindset from free-market repercussions as evidenced by AIG taking a getaway to a "posh Arizona resort" to help "raise" money.  Congratulate Rep. Elijah Wood of Maryland for speaking out against this ridiculous charade.  If you need to raise money, why not stay right in New York where all the money is going?

Laxatives in Baked Goods, Dance Team Members Suspended (ABQ Journal)

Three Chapin High School seniors gave "laxative-based brownies" to rival dance team members from Andress High School.  Allegations further maintain that bleach and rat poison were also in the brownies.  This is hysterically awful, calling for an "I'm not even mad moment."  If I were Dulcolax, I would be jumping all over this for advertising purposes.  However, it is just a matter of time before the parents blame the Cars.com commercial below.  Tina Fey is probably thinking of ripping off the concept for a Mean Girls spin-off where she can star as the role that she really wants, the hot girl who gets all the attention...not gonna happen Fey.

Sarah Palin's Three Strike Abortion Reform

November 13, 2008

THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT BABY, LITERALLY

ANCHORAGE -- It is no secret that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin spent most of the latter days of the election solidifying the Republican base for her own presidential bid in 2012. This drew anger from McCain aides that claimed that Palin was like a "rogue missile" or "like that annoying girl in college that you dealt with because she was so good at sucking down energy drinks and finishing your math homework."

Others, who wished to remain anonymous, thought aloud, "I wish I had thought of stumping for Palin for Prez '12 instead of politicking for an '08 presidency that I had already won.  I should have thought about re-election when I first saw her."

However, Palin did reveal that she understands that, as Governor of Alaska, she still has obligations to her state. Objective number one: Abortion reform--adopt California's three strike rule but for abortions.

The plan works like this: Every female is given three get-out-of-jail-free cards, otherwise known as strikes. Instead of jail though, it is pregnancy, which Palin explained "[Pregnancy] is not jail at all but a beautiful process where you get to eat a lot while the other 17-year-olds in your class are struggling with bulimia." 

On the fourth abortion, you would have to keep the baby, and give it up for adoption because you can't properly care for the baby when you have to spend the next ten years of your life behind bars.

When asked about the details of her plans, Palin commented that, "The kinks haven't been worked out but then again if it were kinked, the water wouldn't be coming out of the hose. What a hoot!"

Palin then refused to answer a question about her origins when asked, "How the hell did you get a Minnesotan accent?

Editor's Note: A forensic expert later explained that Palin's genealogy must contain some Canadians, some western Great Lakes regional folk, and most likely a needy chipmunk to produce that accent.

The Expanded Stimulus Plan

November 12, 2008

WALL STREET HAS AN ANSWER

(SE)CRETe -- So what do Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley, J. P. Morgan, and Lehman Brothers all have in common?  No, they aren't all related by some incestuous genealogy--actually, maybe.  Rather, at the government's behest, they have sent top brass to an undisclosed meeting place in the Mediterranean to hash things out.

Why the Mediterranean?

"We are here to talk about real solutions to a financial crisis," said John J. Mack, CEO of Morgan Stanley, "and, all you care about is the $21.6 million price tag on our weekend getaway."

Regardless, Wall Street may have come up with a money making scheme that immediately injects palpable assets into retirement accounts as opposed to little digits into end of the year reports: Get engaged.

J. J. Mack, explained that it was really quite simple.

"When you get engaged, you have a party," he grinned, "and, we find that average american couples receive $5-10,000 on average."

Then what?

"Move in together within 3 to 6 months," he added, "House warmings bring you more money, and some of life's necessities such as furniture and dinnerware.  Oh, then get married within the year.  The cumulative effect of these measures should give you the economic stimulus required to survive into 2010."

And what if marriage isn't an option?  We can't all have a bah mitzvah, which raises more questions about the stimulus plan.

"You probably shouldn't get a divorce because that will cost you most of your earnings," "The" Donald Trump added.

And, Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves mentioned that, "Too much stimulating could result in illegitimate children, which could hurt your package."

In the end, it just isn't Always Sunny in Philadelphia--because the bailout money went to New York City!

Editor's Note:  When questioned about how the bailout could help, Edward M. Liddy of AIG said, "Get your own money, beggar."  Every rising hedge fund owner in the world added that this kind of plan could blow up in smoke like putting all of your money into oil futures without a hedge.

American Man Sues Rome Over Legend

November 11, 2008

THE TREVI LIE

ROME -- An American man that was recently diagnosed with terminal brain cancer has made his last wish: to sue the city of Rome over false advertising.  Legend has it that one who throws a coin into the waters of the Trevi Fountain will be guaranteed safe return to Rome later in life, a story that has grown in stature since Giuseppe Pannini's 1762 renovation.

Edward Bennigan, 83, threw his coin into the Roman fountain during a World War II deployment to Italy at 19 years of age.

"I was afraid of dying in the crossfire," he said, "so I threw in a coin.  Stupid country of Rome never held up their bargain."

Now that he has been given less than 6 months to live, with treatment, Bennigan is taking the legal offensive.  He first approached the Make-a-Wish Foundation but was rejected when they found out he was too old.  

Elijah Finklestein, Bennigan's current lawyer, explained the multi-count suit, "The crux of our argument is is that Rome fraudulently induces tourists by unilaterally offering safe return to Rome for the placement of money in the fountain."

Roman lawyer's were on strike but A.S. Roma soccer star Francesco Totti was available for comment.  "Mi pagherà per volo per Roma."

The Radish was unable to get a translation of this quote but intuition suggests that Totti actually said, "My package for only for Rome."

Editor's Note:  Exacerbating tension is the fact that Rome takes the thousands of Euros a day and supports the unemployed--98.4% of the city's population--with the proceeds. Furthermore, this action has turned into a worldwide class action as many people have had issues with the city's many legends i.e. one man filed suit for not having his hand bitten off in the Bocca della Verita (Mouth of Truth) after telling a lie with his hand in said contraption.   Lastly, Rome is no longer a nation but a city within the country of Italy, sorry Mr. Bennigan.

Gore to Disprove Ice Age Theory

November 10, 2008

THE END OF THE ICE AGE

NASHVILLE -- In an effort to gain the upper hand in the global warming debate, Al Gore has set out to prove that the Ice Age never existed.  Currently, leading hypotheses state that increased CO2 output from volcanoes and heightened ocean temperatures from underwater volcanoes caused the end of the Ice Ages--the most recent being the end of the Pleistocene approximately 10,000 years ago.

"If I can show that the Ice Age never existed, then the earth's natural climate variations are no longer a viable argument," Gore explained, "That leaves human activity as the culprit for 10-20° increases in average global temperature per year."

When confronted with actual statistics showing a 1.01 to 1.65 °F increase for the entire century ending 2005, Gore explained, "Whether we argue the numbers in Farenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin, the facts remain the same.  Besides, Farenheit is a human construct that alone raised temperatures over 32° per centigrade."

So while experts criticize Gore for exaggerating facts, Gore has shifted the field of play in his favor.

"I am sick of people capitalizing on major political issues," Gore vehemently complained.  "Films such as Ice Age and Happy Feet are corrupting our children, and making millions of dollars at the same time.  To argue fact based on fiction is simply incredulous."

Editor's Note:  Other studies actually show that greenhouse gases such as CO2 increase as a result of an rising global temperatures.  So is it the chicken or the egg?  Documentarian Michael Moore has already purchased the right to edit Gore's newest study, and prove that it was in fact the chicken.

Rad Weekend Links (11/7-9/2008)

November 7, 2008

INTERNET -- 5 true news stories; 5 not so true captions.

1)  8-year-old accused of killing father, another man (CNN)

An 8-year-old boy shoots father and another man with an AK-47.  The lead detective already has a theory on the case despite not interviewing witnesses or investigating the crime scene.  "From what I can tell, the boy was mad that his father was cheating on him with another man.  I would be."  The detective is a graduate of Phoenix University's School of Criminal Justice.

2) Gun Enthusiasts Stock Up on Firearms Over Fears of Dem Crackdown (FoxNews)

10-year-old concerned that Santa won't bring a gun for Christmas because Democrats hate the NRA.  Father consoles boy by saying, "Don't worry, black people like Obama love guns too." 3) Stocks finish up after two days of heavy selling (MSNBC)

It was a good day at NYSE Greyhound Park, a dog betting track in downtown Manhattan. 4) Melissa Ethridge is Not Spreading the Wealth (IDLYITW)

Section 8 passes in California, banning same-sex marriage.  Etheridge proceeds to play the field and keep money for herself.  "That was a close one," she explained.  "Tammy Lynn was about to get me without a pre-nuptial agreement."  Oh, and she refuses to pay taxes.

5) Billups gives Nuggets stability, Iverson offers fire for Pistons (ESPN)

For fear of rising crime rates in Denver, NBA star Allen Iverson gets trade to the sanctuary of Detroit.  "I am just glad to be in a city where there is no violence or practice."

Yes [comma] We Can

November 6, 2008

YES [COMMA] WE CAN

NEW HAVEN, C.T. -- Professor Emeritus of English Clarence Anderton is outraged with the election of Barack Obama.

"Young people need to understand that voting doesn't make you an adult; education and information make you an adult."

Dr. Anderton believes that there haven't been enough questions about Barack Obama's poor grammar.  In one of many campaign slogans used for Obama '08, democrats cheered, "Yes we can!"  The problem that Dr. Anderton has is the fact that they wrote the phrase without a comma after the "Yes."

"The responsive 'yes' is to a hypothetical question and is therefore an introductory phrase," Anderton explained.  "Not only does it require separation due to its introductory nature but it is also nonessential and redundant as the 'we can' more than suffices as a positive response."

NAACP spokesperson Jamaal Randall-Jones Randall responded in a press release, "Mr. Anderton is an elite, white educator purporting his beliefs in racial stratification unto the public.  It is an outrage that Mr. Anderton would stoop so low, it is borderline racist."

Editor's Note: Clarence Anderton is an African-American or, depending on what the proper nomenclature of the day seems to be, black.  He also appears to enjoy being called Doctor despite having no surgical credentials.  In regards to the comma theory, President Bush said, "Could have fooled me."  

Reconciling the Bailout

November 5, 2008

RECONCILING THE BAILOUT

NEW YORK -- Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson assured the general populace that Wall Street would not be allowed to accept taxpayer money and maintain bonus levels of years gone-by; further adding, "Taxpayers will see a return on their money while simultaneously seeing Wall Street becoming more fiscally responsible."  Then came the first $250 billion plan, and skepticism resurfaced.

"I know what people are thinking, but this is the only way to stabilize the financial sector," Paulson explained when confronted at a news conference on this historic morning.

One reporter asked whether Paulson could explain how falling stock prices could impact still profitable brokerages so deeply.  He did.

"You see, financial institutions invest in one and other because they know that if everyone keeps giving money to each other, then stock prices inflate, and stock holdings inherently increase in value.  Profits becomes smaller as a stock hits a ceiling, so someone loses out but this is usually a small investor with delayed information so it doesn't impact the economy all that much."

But, at its most basic levels, stock represents ownership in a company.  Therefore, stock price indicates the profitability of a company.  If a person invests $10 on a share of a company, proper pricing would suggest that the shareholder would cover their investment within 20 years based on annual dividends; a modest 5% annual coupon return.

On the contrary, companies like Goldman Sachs, despite posting $1.62 earnings per share in the third quarter of a downward spiraling year, continue to offer shareholders a 1.47% annual dividend.  Such a dividend is approximately worth $1.40.  Where does all of the excess profit go?

CEO Lloyd Blankfein explained that this is not the whole story of stock valuation.  "People make money off of the discrepancy in stock prices.  When stocks are too low, people pounce on the opportunity to profit."

When asked how his stock could possibly suffer a 53% drop if the company is still technically making money, Blankfein responded, "That is where speculation comes in.  You have to speculate as to whether or not Goldman can cover your investment over the long-haul."

According to their numbers, they can.  "Right, I mean to say, will we cover?  It is ultimately up to us whether we pay a proper dividend or not.  Besides, I don't get paid to deal with these details.  Servicers are taking care of it."

Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, had another spin on things.

"Look, when stocks fall, money is lost.  These companies need capital to make the money back.  When they do so, the American taxpayer will receive their interest."

Accordingly, George W. Bush has announced that he will adamantly pursue privatization of the social security system based on the aforementioned logic that a brokerage that "lost" money for people can conservatively invest and make all of the money back with basic, short-term loans.

Editor's note:  Paulson, a former Goldman Sachs CEO, added that trading stock of major companies is not to be confused with a Ponzi scheme.  Blankfein, a recipient of nearly $70 million in bonus money last year, explained that trading stock is not like gambling because it is based on concrete numbers; although he does believe that the New York Stock Exchange could benefit from adding a Quinella, Exacta, and Trifecta option to their services.  Servicer: a company that pays you the stock price that you want when you sell your stock, then finagles the bagel in convincing someone else that it is worth their money to pay more for a declining stock.

Michelle Obama to Paint "Black" House

November 4, 2008

THE BLACK HOUSE

CHICAGO--Michelle Obama once stated that her "[E]xperiences at Princeton have made me far more aware of my 'Blackness' than ever before," and that she would never fully assimilate into white, upper-class society because she was treated as "Black first and a student second."  Apparently, this perspective endured the more than twenty years that have elapsed since she published her senior thesis at Princeton University.

When asked about whether she would burn her thesis since the day has seemingly arrived, she simply responded, "Never.  I will never forget my roots as a poor black person.  My father struggled as an engineer to make $40,000 a year to make sure that my stay-at-home mother could put family meals on the dining table.  No, that thesis is like a footprint of wisdom on society."

The Radish then shamelessly prodded the soon-to-be First Lady about genocidal action towards white people.  Mrs. Obama coyly replied by saying that wouldn't be enough restitution for the black race.  What would be enough?

Well, upon entering office after being elected to run the country, she has vowed to paint the White House completely black.  "Why should we refer to it as a White House?  Why not a Black House?"  She said.

This was an obvious allusion to John Wiley Price who, during a Texas County Commissioners' meeting, took offense to another commissioner's use of the term "black hole" in reference to the county collections offices' questionable accounting.  Mr. Price aptly alerted his colleague that the use of racist phrases such as "black hole" were not to be tolerated in civilized society; neither was "devil's food cake."

Nonetheless, Michelle Obama is finally "proud to be an American" but she remains vigilant as there is always work to be done.

"I could have painted the White House the color of the rainbow but that wouldn't have gotten the message through.  People would just think that I was supporting the gay rights movement or something.  The fact that people would even assume that was the case is simply intolerant."

Of course, she is not oblivious to the fact that this move will alienate the political right.

"I know that some people aren't ready for this but those people are racists who believe every stereotype that they read."

Barack Obama could not be reached for comment as Michelle Obama quickly stood up and told this young, blonde, female reporter to mind her own "bid'ness" and that her man was 100% dark chocolate.

Isn't change sweet like white chocolate?

Editor's note:  $40,000 a year in the late 1970's is worth barely over $100,000 a year in modern terms.

It's Called Affirmative Action Homey

November 3, 2008

IT'S CALLED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HOMEY

FRESNO--Donald Garwacki A.K.A. Donnie Whacko is fed up with the reverse discrimination he is seeing during these trying times.  After applying to nearly twenty different sections across the country, Mr. Garwacki cannot get into the gangs at the top of his list.

"Ever since I bought 'The Chronic' by Dr. Dre in 7th grade, I've wanted to drop it like it's hot with my home-brethren," Garwacki explained.  "Forget white gangs, I can't even ride a motorcycle."

The problem is that gangs such as The Latin Kings, The Crips, and The Hells Angels recruit with strict racial guidelines despite the fact that the Supreme Court held in Regents of Univ. of California v. Bakke (1978) that a medical school cannot deny a qualified applicant based solely on race.  

When asked for comment, Justice Scalia said, "These gangs basically spit in the face of our very being but, as they are not state-run institutions like a state university, my hands are textually tied."

Gangs such as the Asian Boys, the first gang that Garwacki approached, commented that, "[Race] wasn't the only criteria we considered yo.  The dude ain't got street cred, no tats, no gats, and he bowed to everyone like we was the Wu-Tang clan or sumthin' homes. Ignorant f***."

Recalling the incident, Garwacki said that he was extremely "embarrassed" by the entire episode and realizes that his 3-week Kung-Fu course was a stupid investment.  

But things are changing.  A spokesman for one gang out of Hartford, CT said that, "First of all, we ain't a gang.  We are a legitimate business entity and we support diversity just like any other company."

With the influx of good news, Garwacki is more confident that he will find a home.  "With the new presidency, I think that you will see an expansion of affirmative action into private enterprises nationwide.  It might even help me have sex with a real person."

In the meantime, Garwacki has purchased Rosetta Stone Vol. I to learn Spanish, gotten a tattoo, and even stolen a few candy bars from Wal-Mart in the hopes that he will find a place to call home the old fashioned way.

Editor's Note:  In an effort to develop a more diverse vocabulary, Mr. Garwacki pointed out that he is looking for a new "hood" not a new "home."  He also called his tattoo "ink" while explaining that he got the nickname "Whacko" from an epileptic seizure that got him suspended from school in 5th grade for "acting out."